Lately, I have been talking about my journey as a single mother on my personal Instagram. Talking and writing is very therapuetic for me. As I mentioned in my last post, I have been doing a “daily walk talk” on my personal Instagram. For the last few days, I have went into some detail about those times.
In short, I will sum it up here for everyone to read.
Karsyn’s dad and I were together from middle school (8th grade) and all through high school and then a couple years after. Our relationship was always rocky. There was always something going on behind my back. There was always another girl. I was always the other girl, even when I was the “official” girl.
When the show Teen Mom came out, I knew that was going to be me. I was 16 at the time and I just knew I would be a teen mom.
Fast forward to my Senior year of high school, I got pregnant. I was on a medication that canceled out my birth control. I knew I was pregnant, even before I took a test. “Something is wrong with me, so either way, I need to see a doctor – pregnant or not,” I said to his dad as we walked out of Walmart, pregnancy test in hand. This was March 16, 2011. We went over to my mom’s, where I was living at the time, and I went in the bathroom and took the test. I waited the three minutes, like the test and when I was brave enough to look at what I already knew was true, I saw this faint pink line. I took a picture of it and sent it to a friend, who was also pregnant. “????” Her response, “yep, you’re pregnant.” Quickly, I slid the pregnancy test under the bath mat. Everyone was home and I’d been in the bathroom for quite some time. I walked out, saw his dad sitting in the chair. I shook my head “yes” to him and went in my room. He went downstairs and laid on the couch, crying. When I was done doing whatever it was I was doing – helping my mom with something, I went downstairs, as well. I knew it was a boy and his name was going to be Karsyn. His dad and I had been together for a long time, so we had already talked about names. I sat down on the couch and he put his hand on my belly and said “I love you, Karsyn.”
About a week later, I told my mom. My hair was in a pony tail and I walked down the stairs. “Mom,” I said, twirling my hair around my finger as I always do when I am not sure what to do with my hands. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” She asked. I just broke down and said yes. She held me and told me it was going to be okay.
I made my doctor’s appointment and figured I was about 6 weeks along. You don’t see the doc until 8 weeks, so I waited for those two weeks to “officially” confirm what my head already knew. My mom came with me. I peed in the cup and when they dipped the stick, my mom watched. She came in the room and said “sure enough!” Like she was in shock that it was true.
At the 10 week appointment, the doc could not find his heartbeat. That was a scary time because I already loved this baby. I didn’t want him to die. The doc scheduled an ultrasound, but it wasn’t until the next week. That was a long, stressful week. Fortunately, he was there, alive and well! From there, I was able to get some of the ultrasound pictures.
I told my dad and bonus mom about my pregnancy right before Easter. So a month after I knew. I put the ultrasound pictures in a big plastic egg and had them open it. I was incredibly scared to tell my dad. I just knew he was going to be so disappointed in me. Luckily, he was not. He didn’t say a whole lot, but he let me know that he was not mad or sad about it.
Later that day, I went to Walmart and ran into my bonus mom. She had a CART full of baby stuff! She was excited for me. That relieved some of the stress and it was so kind of her to go out and buy a bunch of stuff already. She said “we’ll since you’re here, let’s just load it into your car!” She had bought me diapers, wipes, onesies and a bunch of other gender neutral things. I will forever be grateful for that.
The next month was May. Time for graduation. This when things got really bad. I caught him in the middle of a biggggggg lie and I was so stressed and hurt by the whole thing. I thought I was going to lose the baby and stayed home from school for a couple days to try and calm down. Luckily, I had my best friend and mom by my side.
But guess what, we “worked” through it and moved in together after we graduated. In September, I quit my job to prepare to have Karsyn. I was able to still make some money from Jourdan’s Jewels and we did just fine. I had Karsyn in October and another huge fight in December. I went back and forth with my mom over whether I wanted to continue the relationship or not. It was hard. I was a new mom and he was all I knew. Needless to say, we “worked” through it, again. For the 947208720th time. (Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have left one of the first times we broke up, but I wouldn’t be where I am today or have my sweet son if that would have happened.)
We ended up moving to a bigger apartment the following year. We were there for almost a year and then in May 2013, I went to my cousin’s graduation in St. George. I just got a new car and had an appointment to get my windows tinted while I was down there. I was going to stay with his sister for the weekend. However, I was just so sick to my stomach about how unhappy I was. I ended up leaving and going home right after the graduation. I didn’t go to the dinner or get my windows tinted or to his sister’s. I just drove right home. When I got home, he was confused about why I was there. He was getting ready to go fishing and camping with my brother. He asked what I was doing and I just laid it out. I told him I was so unhappy and that I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I cried and cried because it was such a hard thing to do. I ended up going to my dad’s that night because I couldn’t stay “home.” He left with my brother and then the guilt set in. Like a crazy girl, I called him bawling and saying I was sorry and I didn’t mean it and to come back home. My dad was not outright trying to get me to not to this, but he just kept asking “are you sure? If you’re not happy, you shouldn’t stay.” He was being supportive of my decision. I ended up moving into my dad’s house and had some more crazy times. Haha. Not proud of those moments.
In June, I decided I needed a huge break. (I still wasn’t working at this point – just was selling clothes.) I called my grandparents in Oklahoma and asked if I could come out there for a while. They said yes and I flew out a week or two later. We stayed for two weeks and it was very much needed. But… during this time, Karsyn’s dad and I “worked” through it, once again. He got a new job in a new town, four hours away from our home. We agreed that once I got back, we’d go up and find a place to live and move and we’d have a fresh start.
On my way home, my mom called me and told me something my dad had found out about Karsyn’s dad. He was on a dating website. My dad was single at the time, so he was also on there and came across his profile. He called my mom and asked what they should do. They agreed to not tell me while I was on “vacation” because they didn’t want to ruin it for me. My mom told me on the way home so that I had an idea of what was going on and to make sure that he came clean about it. That night, I went to see Karsyn’s dad and he did tell me what happened, but “he wasn’t on there anymore.” So I said I’d forget about it and we could move and start over in a new place with new people. A clean slate.
To be continued….