Single Motherhood, Part 2

Continued from part 1

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We were living in a new city, four hours away from home. I’d never been away from home before. Never been away from my family or friends. I left all of them. I left my comfort. I left my help. I cried a lot because I missed my mom. I didn’t have any friends. The people were so snooty there. I would go to the library, the park, the rec center, etc. to try and meet people, but it was like they could tell I didn’t belong. I didn’t have a job still. Was still just doing my online sales with Jourdan’s Jewels.

My mom and two of my siblings came to visit for a weekend and that was so nice. I went home two or three times during my six weeks in the new town. But ultimately, I still wasn’t happy. I could tell he was trying at this point.. He would write on nice things on my Facebook for all to see. He sent me flowers. He was being sweet. All the things a girl would want in a relationship. But it was too late. I was so depressed. I have never admitted this, but I’d wait until I could hear his truck coming down the road for lunch to hop in the shower so I could avoid him for as long as possible. By the time I got out and got dressed, it was time for him to head back to work. That’s so rude. So rude. But that’s how dark I was.

A couple days before one of his brother’s got married, I had said that I still wasn’t happy and didn’t think I was going to go. He puked and puked because the thought made him sick. That was so hard for me, but I couldn’t be manipulated by that. (I in no way think that he was puking to manipulate me into staying; he was doing it because of his feelings.) If I wasn’t happy now, I felt it was highly unlikely for me to be happy at all. We ended up going to the wedding, but I tried to avoid all pictures. I knew I was leaving. I didn’t want to be in their family pictures that they would have for a lifetime. I didn’t want to be the outcast. The one that they put a smiley face sticker over. The one they rolled their eyes at every time they looked at their beautiful wedding photos. I dashed to the bathroom. Stayed in there for as long as I could without it being weird to the other people that were coming in and out. I kept walking around and going outside. I stood behind the other family that wasn’t getting their picture taken right then, hoping to blend in with them so no one would notice. But they did. “Come on! Get in the pic! You’re part of the family. Get over here.” I kept saying “no, it’s fine! Just do them without me.” If they only knew why I was saying that, they probably would have said “okay, crazy. You stay over there.”

It was a couple weeks after the wedding that I finally said that I was going to leave for good. I just wasn’t happy. Nothing was working. It was too late. The image I had in my head was not reality. I was living in this world in my head that was not real. I had dreamed up this perfect Prince Charming and that was not him. It was unfair of me to keep going. It was unfair for all of us. I spilled my guts again. Walked down the street, calling my dad, again. Sobbing. Asking if I could come back, again. The whole time, K just sat on the porch watching me. I could tell he was sad, but he wasn’t doing anything to stop me. Which was fine. I loaded up as much as I could into my car – just things we needed to get by for a few days. Put Karsyn’s carseat in the front seat so I had as much room as possible in the back. And around 8:30 PM on August 30, 2013 (my mom’s 40th birthday), I backed out of the driveway and headed back home.

To be continued…

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Single Motherhood, Part 1

Lately, I have been talking about my journey as a single mother on my personal Instagram. Talking and writing is very therapuetic for me. As I mentioned in my last post, I have been doing a “daily walk talk” on my personal Instagram. For the last few days, I have went into some detail about those times.

In short, I will sum it up here for everyone to read.

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Karsyn’s dad and I were together from middle school (8th grade) and all through high school and then a couple years after. Our relationship was always rocky. There was always something going on behind my back. There was always another girl. I was always the other girl, even when I was the “official” girl.

When the show Teen Mom came out, I knew that was going to be me. I was 16 at the time and I just knew I would be a teen mom.

Fast forward to my Senior year of high school, I got pregnant. I was on a medication that canceled out my birth control. I knew I was pregnant, even before I took a test. “Something is wrong with me, so either way, I need to see a doctor – pregnant or not,” I said to his dad as we walked out of Walmart, pregnancy test in hand. This was March 16, 2011. We went over to my mom’s, where I was living at the time, and I went in the bathroom and took the test. I waited the three minutes, like the test and when I was brave enough to look at what I already knew was true, I saw this faint pink line. I took a picture of it and sent it to a friend, who was also pregnant. “????” Her response, “yep, you’re pregnant.” Quickly, I slid the pregnancy test under the bath mat. Everyone was home and I’d been in the bathroom for quite some time. I walked out, saw his dad sitting in the chair. I shook my head “yes” to him and went in my room. He went downstairs and laid on the couch, crying. When I was done doing whatever it was I was doing – helping my mom with something, I went downstairs, as well. I knew it was a boy and his name was going to be Karsyn. His dad and I had been together for a long time, so we had already talked about names. I sat down on the couch and he put his hand on my belly and said “I love you, Karsyn.”

About a week later, I told my mom. My hair was in a pony tail and I walked down the stairs. “Mom,” I said, twirling my hair around my finger as I always do when I am not sure what to do with my hands. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” She asked. I just broke down and said yes. She held me and told me it was going to be okay.

I made my doctor’s appointment and figured I was about 6 weeks along. You don’t see the doc until 8 weeks, so I waited for those two weeks to “officially” confirm what my head already knew. My mom came with me. I peed in the cup and when they dipped the stick, my mom watched. She came in the room and said “sure enough!” Like she was in shock that it was true.

At the 10 week appointment, the doc could not find his heartbeat. That was a scary time because I already loved this baby. I didn’t want him to die. The doc scheduled an ultrasound, but it wasn’t until the next week. That was a long, stressful week. Fortunately, he was there, alive and well! From there, I was able to get some of the ultrasound pictures.

I told my dad and bonus mom about my pregnancy right before Easter. So a month after I knew. I put the ultrasound pictures in a big plastic egg and had them open it. I was incredibly scared to tell my dad. I just knew he was going to be so disappointed in me. Luckily, he was not. He didn’t say a whole lot, but he let me know that he was not mad or sad about it.

Later that day, I went to Walmart and ran into my bonus mom. She had a CART full of baby stuff! She was excited for me. That relieved some of the stress and it was so kind of her to go out and buy a bunch of stuff already. She said “we’ll since you’re here, let’s just load it into your car!” She had bought me diapers, wipes, onesies and a bunch of other gender neutral things. I will forever be grateful for that.

The next month was May. Time for graduation. This when things got really bad. I caught him in the middle of a biggggggg lie and I was so stressed and hurt by the whole thing. I thought I was going to lose the baby and stayed home from school for a couple days to try and calm down. Luckily, I had my best friend and mom by my side.

But guess what, we “worked” through it and moved in together after we graduated. In September, I quit my job to prepare to have Karsyn. I was able to still make some money from Jourdan’s Jewels and we did just fine. I had Karsyn in October and another huge fight in December. I went back and forth with my mom over whether I wanted to continue the relationship or not. It was hard. I was a new mom and he was all I knew. Needless to say, we “worked” through it, again. For the 947208720th time. (Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have left one of the first times we broke up, but I wouldn’t be where I am today or have my sweet son if that would have happened.)

We ended up moving to a bigger apartment the following year. We were there for almost a year and then in May 2013, I went to my cousin’s graduation in St. George. I just got a new car and had an appointment to get my windows tinted while I was down there. I was going to stay with his sister for the weekend. However, I was just so sick to my stomach about how unhappy I was. I ended up leaving and going home right after the graduation. I didn’t go to the dinner or get my windows tinted or to his sister’s. I just drove right home. When I got home, he was confused about why I was there. He was getting ready to go fishing and camping with my brother. He asked what I was doing and I just laid it out. I told him I was so unhappy and that I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I cried and cried because it was such a hard thing to do. I ended up going to my dad’s that night because I couldn’t stay “home.” He left with my brother and then the guilt set in. Like a crazy girl, I called him bawling and saying I was sorry and I didn’t mean it and to come back home. My dad was not outright trying to get me to not to this, but he just kept asking “are you sure? If you’re not happy, you shouldn’t stay.” He was being supportive of my decision. I ended up moving into my dad’s house and had some more crazy times. Haha. Not proud of those moments.

In June, I decided I needed a huge break. (I still wasn’t working at this point – just was selling clothes.) I called my grandparents in Oklahoma and asked if I could come out there for a while. They said yes and I flew out a week or two later. We stayed for two weeks and it was very much needed. But… during this time, Karsyn’s dad and I “worked” through it, once again. He got a new job in a new town, four hours away from our home. We agreed that once I got back, we’d go up and find a place to live and move and we’d have a fresh start.

On my way home, my mom called me and told me something my dad had found out about Karsyn’s dad. He was on a dating website. My dad was single at the time, so he was also on there and came across his profile. He called my mom and asked what they should do. They agreed to not tell me while I was on “vacation” because they didn’t want to ruin it for me. My mom told me on the way home so that I had an idea of what was going on and to make sure that he came clean about it. That night, I went to see Karsyn’s dad and he did tell me what happened, but “he wasn’t on there anymore.” So I said I’d forget about it and we could move and start over in a new place with new people. A clean slate.

To be continued….

2019

Wowie zowie.

I always say I am going to be better at updating this and then I never do it. Let’s try again, shall we?

Today is January 9, 2019. Damn. How did we get here? 2019?? Time goes by too fast. You know the saying “the days are long, but the years are short”? Well, I don’t even feel like my days are long. Everything is just short!

To give a SUPER quick catch up.. My life looks like this these days..

7:00 AM – Wake up and get ready.
7:30 AM – Wake Karsyn up to get ready.
7:50 AM – Wake Kamryn up, finish packing her diaper bag, strap her in the car seat and wait for my mom to come get her.
7:55 AM – Take Karsyn to school and go to work.
9:00 AM – Pump. (TMI?)
10:00 AM – Daily walk talk. Follow me on IG to hear my every day talks! 🙂
11:30 AM – Pump.
12:30 PM – Eat lunch. Or not. Just depends on the day.
2:00 PM – Pump.
4:00 PM – Get off work; go get the kids.
4:30 PM – Get home, take out the old stuff from the diaper bag, put in new. Do homework with Karsyn. He does his chore, cleans his room and feeds the dogs.
5:00 PM – Nurse Kamryn and hold her for a while so she can sleep.
6:00 PM – Get up and clean a bit. Think about what to eat.
7:00 PM – Eat and get the kids ready for bed.
8:30 PM – Get the kids to bed and go to bed myself.
10:00ish PM – Husband usually come to bed.

Then we wake up and do it all over again.

Monday’s and Thursday’s Karsyn goes to jiu-jitsu. He absolutely loves that! He’s got his white belt. Starting today, on Wednesday’s he will have basketball. He is SO excited to start. Every other weekend, the kids and I drop Karsyn off on Friday and pick him up on Sunday. That’s basically it.

Beach Bridal Shower Gift

**I started this post three or four years ago and never finished it. Hahahahaha. So here you are.. Four years later.

One of my good friends is getting married! She is going to California for a week for her honeymoon, so I wanted my bridal shower gift to be something outside of the box. Aside from the normal dishes, decor, etc. When she told me what she was doing for the honeymoon, I had the perfect gift idea! I thought to myself, “What would I need if I were going to the beach?” And from there my gifts stemmed.

Items that came to mind were: towels, sunscreen, swim suit cover, drinks. So that’s what I got them! I found the gift bag first and it was colorful. I am weird and I like things to match, so I used the colors on the bag to find the right items. I went with pink for her and orange for him. I got Candice a pink beach towel, a pink Mason jar tumbler, a pink swim suit cover, and pink juice packets. I got the same thing for Colton, except orange.. And no swim suit cover haha!

I knew I wanted the swim suit cover to say “Bride” on it, so I began searching. I found one that was really cute, ordered it, but it still hadn’t even shipped by the day of the shower! AAAAHHHH! So I cancelled that order and found another one that was cheaper and cuter from MaggiePenDesigns on Etsy. She responded to my questions quickly and made it the same day I ordered and shipped it the very next. So I still didn’t have it in time for the shower {that’s why it’s not in the pictures}, but I just wrote her a little “IOU” on the card! She was so happy when it came. She said she really wanted one and she loved the one that I got her. Maggie even had it all wrapped up, so I didn’t have to do anything.

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{If you click the picture, it will take you right to the listing. You’re welcome.}

Other things you could use:

*Beach bag – put everything inside of it, instead of a gift bag
*Sunglasses
*Flip flops
*Magazines

She loved the gift. I love giving thoughtful and personalized gifts.

What do you love to give?

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Loving Someone with Depression: What It’s Like For the One You Love

Falling in love is great. Especially if it’s with someone great! First you go through the honeymoon phase where everything is just so awesome and nothing stands in your way. Unfortunately, a couple doesn’t always stay in that fun little phase. As time goes on, you really start to learn more about the person you are in a relationship with. You learn what makes them tick. What makes them happy. What makes them sad. What makes them mad. What they love. What they hate. You learn their routine. You learn their mannerisms. You can tell when something is wrong. When they’re not quite themselves.

Everyone has their bad/sad days. You can’t deny it. We’ve all been there. Even “normal” people get them… Some more than others. But nonetheless, this is something we all experience.

Loving Someone with Depression

When you have depression and/or anxiety (side note here: they are not the same thing! They share similarities, but are entirely different things. You can have one or the other or both. Just because you suffer from depression, doesn’t mean you suffer from anxiety and visa versa.), you never really know when you’re bad days are going to hit. Everyone says “it’s a choice to be happy” and yes, for the most part it is. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you just fall into a deep, dark hole and there is no ladder to help you climb out. For me personally, I can be so happy all day and with the flip of a switch be so sad and start sobbing. This doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. It’s hard to explain, it really is.

In the 5th grade, I was diagnosed with depression. #embarrassing. I had a lot of things going on in my life at the time. My mom was in a lot of trouble for doing drugs. My dad and other mom just had a baby, so I was no longer an only child. And let me tell you something: being an only child for 11 years and then having another baby come in the picture is hard! I wasn’t the priority anymore – literally felt like I didn’t even matter and that the world would have been a better place without me. I couldn’t understand how my parents could love me so much one day and then not the next. The next 12 years of my life were difficult. Don’t get me wrong. I had lots and lots of good times, days, months in between there. I had some great experiences. Met some awesome people. But there was a lot that went on. A lot of times when I just felt like I could leave and no one would miss me. A lot of lonely nights. Hate riddled my bones.

Once I hit 22, I could finally see the light. Things were starting to fall into place. I landed a full-time job with benefits. I bought a house on my own – something that I had worked very hard for. I bought a new car. I met an amazing guy that I now love with all of my heart.

{Another side note: I just want to say realllll quick that I am in NO way what-so-ever trying to make excuses, I am just trying to shed some light and say how I feel. I am not speaking for everyone because we are all different, but if you can relate and I can help you, then my job here is done.}

I recently had a bad few days, so I decided to write about it. Writing is so therapeutic! I am in a “new” relationship – been almost 10 months now, so we are definitely passed the honeymoon phase. We get along great, for the most part. We laugh a lot. A LOT. We fight. We love. We cry…

So let me just back up a little here – and I’m sorry that I’m rambling. I promise I’ll get to the point. I feel like I am at a pretty good point in my life. I don’t have bad/sad days nearly as often as I used to. I’ve learned to deal with it, how to hide it and just pretend that I’m fine. I know that not everyone knows how to handle it, so I try to save my weak moments for myself when I can cry in the shower or after everyone’s gone to bed.  Let me give you a scenario… On Monday, I was having a normal day. Get off work, pick up my child (who did not stop whining from the second I picked him up until the second he fell asleep),  have to go to the store for food – boo!, come home from the store and I was so damn annoyed. I was on edge. I was irritated. Everything was pissing me right the hell off! My sweet boy was driving my absolutely insane. I finally ended up kicking his butt and putting him in his room – mother of the year over here! I cooked breakfast for dinner. Still was annoyed, but trying to come out of it. By the time I went to bed, I was alright. Tuesday I was just so anxious. Something was bugging me, but I couldn’t pin point it. And to be honest, I didn’t want to figure out what it was. It takes to much time to figure it out. So I settled with “I don’t know what’s wrong.” It’s just easier that way. Even if you do know why, it’s hard to put it in words. It’s hard to say it in a way that someone on the outside might understand. I expressed how I felt like crying. When I was asked why, “I don’t know” was all I could say. Sometimes you just REALLY don’t know what’s wrong. You’re just off. Wednesday was another normal day, but by the middle of the day, I started to get a headache and started to feel.. not good. By the time I went to bed, my head was pounding and I just felt worse. Sometimes it’s too much too deal with. Sometimes it’s hard to be strong all the time and put up a front. So I rolled over and started to cry. I tried real hard to be quiet, but your nose starts to run, so your sniffing a lot and your body kinda shakes as you let it out and breathe. So then it was apparent that I was crying. I was asked why I was crying several times and I didn’t answer. I said “nothing.” “What’s wrong?” a few more times. Finally I said “I don’t feel good.” That answer wasn’t good enough and I was left to sleep alone. So what do I do? Cry even harder because my truthful answer wasn’t enough. I felt worthless. Unlovable. Loser status. By saying “I don’t feel good” doesn’t always mean my belly hurts or my head. It can mean that I literally don’t feel good. I mentally do not feel good. My heart hearts. I am sad. I am mad. I don’t know why. I just don’t. I tried to sleep with my sweet sweet baby, but his bed is just too small for the two of us and I didn’t want to wake him because I was tossing and turning, flopping him all over his twin size bed. Besides, he already gets me more than he should. Poor kid. If I cry in front of him, he will immediately start to cry and hold me and tell me everything is okay and hug me tight. He’s been that way for as long as I can remember. I guess that’s what I was searching for, but it wasn’t fair of me to try and put a four-year-old in that position. I didn’t want to be alone. I just wanted someone to hug me tight. You don’t have to tell me that it’s going to be okay because I know “this too shall pass.” I’ll get through it. I always do.

I can totally understand that “I don’t know” is an extremely annoying answer. I get it. I don’t like to be told that. I genuinely what to know what is wrong when I ask someone. I need to take my own advice sometimes when I say that “I don’t know” is sometimes a good enough answer. In a situation where the person (me, in this case) is so sad for whatever unknown reason, we don’t want to be alone, even if it seems like we do. Please don’t leave us alone. For some people, that just proves that all people do when times get tough is leave. It’s nice to know that someone truly cares and can accept your “I don’t know” and love you through it instead of being frustrated.

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Almost three years ago, I walked away from everything I had ever known. I needed a blank slate. I needed to start over. I wanted to be happy. My son did not deserve to have an unhappy family. It was hands down THE hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t know how I was going to do it on my own. I just knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. It wasn’t a healthy lifestyle for any of us. A while after I had left, I received this picture with the words “I wish I would have realized this sooner. I wish I would have believed you when you said I don’t know. I wish I would have understood then what I do now.” I think I replied with “me too.” By that time, it was too late. My wounds had finally started to heal. I had to find this picture again and share it because there is so much truth to it. Here’s a few more that I’ve found that are good..

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Please know that it takes courage to write these kind of things and I have been fighting with myself on whether or not I should really post this. A million thoughts rush through my mind. It isn’t my intention at all to hurt anyone’s feelings or to make anyone mad. I am not looking for sympathy in any shape or form. I am just writing this so you can possibly get a glimpse inside of what goes on in my mind.

Other good reads on this subject:
13 Things To Remember When You Love A Person Who Has Depression
20 Things to Remember If You Love A Person With Depression
When Someone You Love Has Depression

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Pink, Black, White and Gold Office/Craft Room Inspiration

My last room that I really have planned out is my Jourdan’s Jewels office/craft room. The whole gold trend is finally starting to grow on me.. Only a year or so later, but nonetheless! I am way excited for this room, too, because I get to be as girly as it gets in this room!!

Pink, Gold, Black Office

My colors are black, white, pink, gold and silver in this room.

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Loving the white shelves with the glitter initial, the jar of shredded gold paper and that lip print!!!!

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How’s this for lovely?! Gold glitter switch plate/outlet covers?? YES, PLEASE!

84778ce8f0507b2bbf86bc3bf59d4430I love arrows!! And don’t forget to check out the rest of her shop. She has TONS of prints that are to.die.for.

4cf2803b005599747a45a896054e27cfI bought this print on my shopping spree! I really wanted one of the ceramic deer heads….

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but I couldn’t find one, so I settled for this.

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How fabulous are these curtains?!!

il_570xN.581089108_tee6I love everything about this! I planned on doing at least one wall hot pink. I just love all the colors together and the gallery part of it.

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I also bought this print. It fits perfectly because I do LOVE my business and to craft.

1004027_1Another print for the gallery wall..

118232_1And another perfect addition to my gallery wall!

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I have it all planned out in my head. But here are just a few things I love.

If you have some suggestions – like your favorite pins or even your own blog post or pictures, I’d love to see them!

Be sure to check out my kitchen, living roombedroomKarsyn’s baseball bedroom and my bathroom inspiration posts!
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Grey and Purple Bathroom Inspiration

My bathroom has been the hardest room for me. I just didn’t know how I wanted to do it. There are lots of cute bathrooms on Pinterest – a few that caught my eye, but none that I absolutely loved! So I started looking for a shower curtain that I loved and then I would decorate around that. The one that I chose is one that I’ve seen floating around and I have always loved it, so I knew it was the right choice. And I got it for a smokin’ deal! I ordered it immediately.

I present to you… Sinatra Silver shower curtain!

So after much thought, I decided I will do a peacock color scheme in there! I think it will look great… If I could just find some decorations and things to match! I was originally wanting to do this color scheme in my living room, but I thought the red would be better since I had red in the kitchen.

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6c77d59302789332d6a364336a893917I love the half-and-half colored walls! And that purple color is fabulous! And that old tub!!!!

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Loving those pretty turquoise towels against the purple wall.

4bb4d156dbd77743aff7196c70271813I thought this purple tile was pretty fun!

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I love peek-a-boo drawers! And the jewel drawer pulls!

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There is no direct link to this, but I think they just did a gloss to the stencil part of it. Love that!!

c96c4532a0282953aa864aa073989a64 (1)Up next is my Jourdan’s Jewels/craft room!
Be sure to check out my kitchen, living roombedroom and Karsyn’s baseball bedroom inspiration posts!

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Living Room Inspiration

I plan on having grey walls throughout the entire house, with an accent wall in each room. In my living room, the accent wall is red. I love red.

Living Room Inspiration

And plus, you can see into the living room from the kitchen and since I am doing red in my kitchen, I thought it would “flow” perfectly. Hoping it looks a little something like this.

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I just went up north last weekend and bought a couch. RC Willey was having a big liquidation sale because they are moving to a bigger location. This is the couch I bought..

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It is a lot darker than pictured. It’s more of a charcoal color. My walls will be about the color of the couch in the picture. Then I will have a charcoal colored couch. My flooring is grey vinyl that looks like tile and my carpet is grey with some flecks of black and brown. Also, the couch is on sale for the same price online as it was in store, so it didn’t end up being as good of a deal as I thought, but I am still happy about it.

So with the couch, I need some cute accent pillows! Here are a few I have found..
Quatrefoil

Black and White Striped Bow

Arrows!

Red Flowers

Black and White Geometric

And my most favorite one!! The Pet Definition Pillow. I am definitely going to get this one for our little Daizee girl that we got for Christmas!

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I am obsessing over this red mirror. I need to find me one!

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And of course every room needs some cute picture frames.. (Click picture for details!)

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982272_1I love these curtains for the window.

il_570xN.686030519_b2cdI plan on getting a 50-60″ TV and my TV stand is black. I’d like to find a little entry way table and an end table as well, so that I can put my lamps on them.

Up next is my room!

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Check out my kitchen inspiration.