July 17 – Friday night. Katie and Jayden invited a bunch of people over for a BBQ and a movie. When i got there, I asked who else was coming. “Garrett, Shelby and Joe”. Hailee and Quaid were already there. After an hour or so, Garrett and Shelby showed up, with Joe not far behind. He had his big ol’ mountain dew with him, but said he’d already eaten. He sat on the couch pretty much the whole time, just listening to all the conversations. When it was time for the movie (The Loft), Garrett and Shelby sat by Joe on the love seat. Garrett kept telling me to sit by Joe, that they’d scoot over, I could sit in his lap and yada yada. “I’m not sitting on his lap! I barely even know the guy.” I laid on the floor next to Karsyn. It was never comfortable, but I waited for Karsyn to fall asleep before moving next to Katie ans Jayden on the big couch. When the movie was over, Garrett and Joe went outside. Shortly after, Garrett returned, but Joe had left. Well, bye to you, too! 👋 I was starting to think this whole thing was just weird. Why the heck wouldn’t he talk to me? He was suddenly everywhere I was, but would hardly say 5 words??? 😣
July 16 was just like any other day. I hadn’t given much thought to anything that had happened over the last few weeks. I’d been so busy. I was finally done with my house 🏡 and still in the middle of a mess – trying to put everything away, decorate, etc. I think everyone knows by now that I hate to cook. I was thinking Arby’s. So we left to go grab a roast beef. On the way back home, I got a text from Shelby saying they just stopped by with Joe, wanted to check out the house, but I wasn’t there. “I just pulled up. You can come back.” Crap. I shoveled my food in my mouth and hid all the evidence. I tried to pick up what I could, but they’d just have to understand why I was in a mess. About 10 minutes later they pulled up, came in and sat down on my new couch. We talked about the house and buying houses and stuff for a little bit, then I kinda showed them around. I remember being embarrassed about my bed. I had an old, torn ripped blanket (aka the best blanket ever) as my bedspread because I was washing my normal one. I had just hung up some pictures of Karsyn and I that we had taken down in St. George, so we admired those for a minute and then went outside. I showed them the yard and how the sheetrockers left a rag in my window when they framed in the shower and that you can see it from the outside. #soannoying. The whole time Joe was real quiet. He would laugh here and there, but didn’t really say much. Karsyn was out playing in the “ditch” in front of the yard. He so badly wanted#daizeegirl to get in with him. I kept telling him no, but he put her in anyway. “Mom, Daizee got in all by herself!” That got Joe to laugh, but still didn’t say anything really. After about two hours, they left. I saw Garrett drive off about two blocks from my house and turn. I knew he was taking Joe home, but what I didn’t know that Joe’s house was just two blocks in front of me. If the tabernacle wasn’t right out my window, I’d be able to see his house from my front room…
July 15, 2015, Joe added me on Facebook. Finally I could stalk his page! I couldn’t find him on here this whole time because when Garrett first told me his name, I thought he said Joe Botts. 😂😂😂 I still laugh about that. hahahahahaha. I was looking for this Joe guy. It never occurred to look under Joseph. I can remember the second my phone made the notification noise. I was spray painting some picture frames for my room in my front yard. When I saw that it was him that had added me, I was battling with myself.
Do I accept him right now? Should I wait a little bit? How long?
I put my phone down and finished what I was doing. I told myself I’d accept him the next day. 5 minutes later I clicked on “Confirm.” I washed what I could of the paint off and began to stalk this guy’s FB. Yep. Clear back to the first day he created his page. 😂 There wasn’t a whole lot to see, so it didn’t take me too long. One thing I kept thinking was “is this really him? He looks nothing like his FB pictures.” To this day, I still don’t think he looks like the guy in his previous profile pic and several others that are on there. Over the next hour or so, I got a bunch of notifications.
“Joseph Watts liked your photo.”
On Sunday, July 12, I woke up around 10 and waited for Hesston and Bailee to wake up. Around 11, we headed to Monroe to grab our parents razor. I was in the back seat of the car while Bailee was driving. She itched her head and I noticed something on her finger. 💍 I was a little confused because neither of them had said anything. “Who gave you that?” I asked. She pointed to Hesston. “Are you engaged????!” She just looked at my through the rearview mirror and smiled. They weren’t talking much, but I eventually got the answer. Yes! They were! It has happened the night before and I didn’t even notice her ring at Jeff’s. Anyway.. We made it to Monroe and headed over to Greeny’s house to meet up with everyone. I wasn’t sure if Joe was going to be there or not, but I was already nervous. Eventually he roared up on his YFZ. 😍 Once everyone was there, we headed out. We ended up stopping and Garrett came over and told me to get on with Joe. “Uh. He hasn’t even said hi to me. I’m not just going to tell him to scoot up so I can get on!” So we kept going and stopped again. Garrett kept harassing me to get on the fourwheeler. There was no way I was about to do that! Maybe if he would have asked, but I surely wasn’t just going to climb on! We stopped again and rolled some rocks. I had taken my dog and he asked whose dog it was. That was really the only thing he said the entire time. Didn’t say one word to me. Later, come to find out, he didn’t even realize it was me until we had stopped a couple times. 😂😂 Bailee had to work that afternoon, so we headed back early. The whole way home, she and I kept talking about how he didn’t even say anything to me! I get being shy because I am, too. But not even “hi”??
I am just copy-and-pasting these from my Instagram. That way I’ll always have it and you can read it, too. 🙂
Saturday, June 20, 2015, started out like any other Saturday. Katie had invited me up to the cabin for a Father’s Day dinner with Jayden’s family. It was also Shelby’s birthday, so after dinner, we planned to go to the other cabin and hang out for Shelby’s party,
We ate lots and lots of really good food and headed down to Garrett’s cabin. It was dark and they had a fire going. There was this guy sitting around it that I had never seen before. He just sat there with his big cup of Mountain Dew and sipped on it. Got up every once in a while to refill it. I kept thinking to myself “who brought this guy? Little weirdo hasn’t said a word!” I sat down by him and said “hi” and I think that was about all I heard him say the whole night. I don’t think I ever even got his name?
Fast forward to the 4th of July. Our whole crew was hanging out at Katie and Jayden’s house. Katie and Shelby were talking on the porch, so I walked up and joined in. Eventually Garrett walks up and Katie tells him that they need to set me up with Joe. I’m like “who the hell is Joe?” Come to find out it was the guy from the fire. 😂 I insisted to NOT set me up with anyone! I was fine by myself and I still wanted a little time. Garrett went on and on about how cool and nice Joe was. I still didn’t want to go out with anyone.
Fast forward another week. There was going to be a little party at Jeff’s house. I had been out razor riding that day, but told them I needed to be back by 8 so I could get ready. I knew Joe was going to be there and I was dragging my feet about going. I waited for Katie to get off work and then we rode over together. We got there about 10 and Joe had just walked out of the garage. Katie said “hi, how are you?” “Good and you?” Then we walked in the house to get some food. “I should have let you say hi!” I just laughed and said it was okay. Then Jeff comes in and I tell him Happy Birthday, thinking that’s what the party was for. “It’s not my birthday, but thanks.” 😂 #dyingofembarassment. When he walked off I asked Katie what the party was for and she said “for you and Joe.” WHAT?! I swear my jaw hit the ground. No one told me that! #lateformyownparty.
Now we’re into June of 2015. We just moved into our house. I’ve been lucky to have some really great friends through this time, so Karsyn and I were with them a lot. Some of those friends’ family had cabins about an hour away.
June 20, 2015 – Father’s day weekend. I went with my friends for a dinner to the cabin and a little birthday shin-dig for another friend. Karsyn was with his dad. I was to the point where I was over the heart break, so I just decided that I needed to focus on Karsyn and I and be the best version of me possible. Whatever happens, happens. Little did I know, my life would change starting with this night.
After the big family dinner, we moved from one cabin to the other. There, just us friends hung out drinking around the fire. There sat this kid I had never seen before. I was sippin’ a big ol’ mountain dew. Like 44 oz big. He never said a single word. I kept thinking in my head, “who is this weirdo? who brought him here? why is he not saying anything?” I only got one of those questions answered – Garrett invited him. They worked together. Garrett and his girlfriend were some of my friends that I’d been hanging out for the last little while.
Fast forward to July 4, 2015. All of us (minus the weird kid from the fire) were hanging out at a friend’s house. Two of the girls were saying “we need to hook Jourd up with Joe.” I knew they were talking about me, so I walked over and said “who the hell is Joe?” I didn’t want anyone setting me up with anyone. I hated that. “The kid that was at the cabin for Shelby’s birthday.” Ohhhhh… That kid. Hmmm…
New series starting next. This basically ends my single motherhood. While that was super fast and two years worth of heartache, happiness, tears and laughter shoved into just four short posts, it is time to start a new chapter. Karsyn grew up too fast. I figured things out. Things were falling into place.
This is Karsyn and I now. 🙂 He’s in first grade and this was us at “read with me” day.
So now Karsyn and I are back living at my dad’s. A couple days later, my dad and I went back to get my stuff. We put as much stuff as we could fit onto a trailer and headed back home.
A couple days later, I went to get drink at the new soda shop. I pulled up and there was a kid I had taken some College classes with. He asked if I wanted a job and I laughed and said yes. He asked if I could start on Monday. I was super excited! I hadn’t had a job since before I had Karsyn. I had planned on looking for one, but I had only been back home for a couple of days, so I just hadn’t gotten to it. But now I didn’t have to anymore! It was hard to be away from Karsyn, but also nice because I was going a little stir-crazy not having any adult interaction.
I had a lot of fun working there and met a lot of new friends. As I’m sure you can imagine, there were also some creeps and weirdos that came by. Trying to flirt. Haha. I actually ended up going on a date with “the creepy guy in the back” from there. Ohhh. That’s a story for another day hahah.
In January of 2014, I lucked into another job at the College – where I’m still at today, just in a different position. So by this time, I was working two jobs. I was away from Karsyn more. That wasn’t my favorite thing, but I was finally getting on my feet. I started looking for a new place for us to live. I wanted to be back on my own.
In March of 2014, we moved into my aunt’s basement apartment. That was the best move for us! Around this time, I also landed another job. So now I was working three jobs. It was a crazy time. A couple days a week, I was working from 8 AM – 10 PM. Luckily, my mom and Kars’ grandma was so good to watch him for me.
My soda shop job came to an end because it just got to be too much, working three jobs and being gone so much. That was okay. I had a little bit of money now. We were doing alright.
Kars continued to see his dad every other weekend. I dated a couple guys here and there. One for a couple months, but it wasn’t too serious on his end. I’d also started talking to someone else who I would date for a year, here and there. Once again, wasn’t too serious on his end. But they were to me. My heart was completely broken when that one “ended.”
December of 2014, we got our little Daizee girl. A chocolate chihuahua for $200 from a trailer park. She was so tiny – she fit in my hoodie pocket. On Christmas morning, Kars and I went over to my dad’s and Kars said “we got a dog!” My dad asked where it was and Karsyn said “in my mom’s pocket.” They were confused and sure enough, I pulled out this little tiny pooch. We still have her and love her. Even though she acts like she’s so neglected. Which she probably is a little bit, since I’ve had another baby by now.
January of 2015, I got prequalified to buy a house, so we began house hunting! Hooray! That was a very exciting time. We found one, closed in the middle of April, remodeled it in April/May, then moved in the first week of June. Home.
To be continued…
Continued from part 1…
We were living in a new city, four hours away from home. I’d never been away from home before. Never been away from my family or friends. I left all of them. I left my comfort. I left my help. I cried a lot because I missed my mom. I didn’t have any friends. The people were so snooty there. I would go to the library, the park, the rec center, etc. to try and meet people, but it was like they could tell I didn’t belong. I didn’t have a job still. Was still just doing my online sales with Jourdan’s Jewels.
My mom and two of my siblings came to visit for a weekend and that was so nice. I went home two or three times during my six weeks in the new town. But ultimately, I still wasn’t happy. I could tell he was trying at this point.. He would write on nice things on my Facebook for all to see. He sent me flowers. He was being sweet. All the things a girl would want in a relationship. But it was too late. I was so depressed. I have never admitted this, but I’d wait until I could hear his truck coming down the road for lunch to hop in the shower so I could avoid him for as long as possible. By the time I got out and got dressed, it was time for him to head back to work. That’s so rude. So rude. But that’s how dark I was.
A couple days before one of his brother’s got married, I had said that I still wasn’t happy and didn’t think I was going to go. He puked and puked because the thought made him sick. That was so hard for me, but I couldn’t be manipulated by that. (I in no way think that he was puking to manipulate me into staying; he was doing it because of his feelings.) If I wasn’t happy now, I felt it was highly unlikely for me to be happy at all. We ended up going to the wedding, but I tried to avoid all pictures. I knew I was leaving. I didn’t want to be in their family pictures that they would have for a lifetime. I didn’t want to be the outcast. The one that they put a smiley face sticker over. The one they rolled their eyes at every time they looked at their beautiful wedding photos. I dashed to the bathroom. Stayed in there for as long as I could without it being weird to the other people that were coming in and out. I kept walking around and going outside. I stood behind the other family that wasn’t getting their picture taken right then, hoping to blend in with them so no one would notice. But they did. “Come on! Get in the pic! You’re part of the family. Get over here.” I kept saying “no, it’s fine! Just do them without me.” If they only knew why I was saying that, they probably would have said “okay, crazy. You stay over there.”
It was a couple weeks after the wedding that I finally said that I was going to leave for good. I just wasn’t happy. Nothing was working. It was too late. The image I had in my head was not reality. I was living in this world in my head that was not real. I had dreamed up this perfect Prince Charming and that was not him. It was unfair of me to keep going. It was unfair for all of us. I spilled my guts again. Walked down the street, calling my dad, again. Sobbing. Asking if I could come back, again. The whole time, K just sat on the porch watching me. I could tell he was sad, but he wasn’t doing anything to stop me. Which was fine. I loaded up as much as I could into my car – just things we needed to get by for a few days. Put Karsyn’s carseat in the front seat so I had as much room as possible in the back. And around 8:30 PM on August 30, 2013 (my mom’s 40th birthday), I backed out of the driveway and headed back home.
To be continued…
Lately, I have been talking about my journey as a single mother on my personal Instagram. Talking and writing is very therapuetic for me. As I mentioned in my last post, I have been doing a “daily walk talk” on my personal Instagram. For the last few days, I have went into some detail about those times.
In short, I will sum it up here for everyone to read.
Karsyn’s dad and I were together from middle school (8th grade) and all through high school and then a couple years after. Our relationship was always rocky. There was always something going on behind my back. There was always another girl. I was always the other girl, even when I was the “official” girl.
When the show Teen Mom came out, I knew that was going to be me. I was 16 at the time and I just knew I would be a teen mom.
Fast forward to my Senior year of high school, I got pregnant. I was on a medication that canceled out my birth control. I knew I was pregnant, even before I took a test. “Something is wrong with me, so either way, I need to see a doctor – pregnant or not,” I said to his dad as we walked out of Walmart, pregnancy test in hand. This was March 16, 2011. We went over to my mom’s, where I was living at the time, and I went in the bathroom and took the test. I waited the three minutes, like the test and when I was brave enough to look at what I already knew was true, I saw this faint pink line. I took a picture of it and sent it to a friend, who was also pregnant. “????” Her response, “yep, you’re pregnant.” Quickly, I slid the pregnancy test under the bath mat. Everyone was home and I’d been in the bathroom for quite some time. I walked out, saw his dad sitting in the chair. I shook my head “yes” to him and went in my room. He went downstairs and laid on the couch, crying. When I was done doing whatever it was I was doing – helping my mom with something, I went downstairs, as well. I knew it was a boy and his name was going to be Karsyn. His dad and I had been together for a long time, so we had already talked about names. I sat down on the couch and he put his hand on my belly and said “I love you, Karsyn.”
About a week later, I told my mom. My hair was in a pony tail and I walked down the stairs. “Mom,” I said, twirling my hair around my finger as I always do when I am not sure what to do with my hands. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” She asked. I just broke down and said yes. She held me and told me it was going to be okay.
I made my doctor’s appointment and figured I was about 6 weeks along. You don’t see the doc until 8 weeks, so I waited for those two weeks to “officially” confirm what my head already knew. My mom came with me. I peed in the cup and when they dipped the stick, my mom watched. She came in the room and said “sure enough!” Like she was in shock that it was true.
At the 10 week appointment, the doc could not find his heartbeat. That was a scary time because I already loved this baby. I didn’t want him to die. The doc scheduled an ultrasound, but it wasn’t until the next week. That was a long, stressful week. Fortunately, he was there, alive and well! From there, I was able to get some of the ultrasound pictures.
I told my dad and bonus mom about my pregnancy right before Easter. So a month after I knew. I put the ultrasound pictures in a big plastic egg and had them open it. I was incredibly scared to tell my dad. I just knew he was going to be so disappointed in me. Luckily, he was not. He didn’t say a whole lot, but he let me know that he was not mad or sad about it.
Later that day, I went to Walmart and ran into my bonus mom. She had a CART full of baby stuff! She was excited for me. That relieved some of the stress and it was so kind of her to go out and buy a bunch of stuff already. She said “we’ll since you’re here, let’s just load it into your car!” She had bought me diapers, wipes, onesies and a bunch of other gender neutral things. I will forever be grateful for that.
The next month was May. Time for graduation. This when things got really bad. I caught him in the middle of a biggggggg lie and I was so stressed and hurt by the whole thing. I thought I was going to lose the baby and stayed home from school for a couple days to try and calm down. Luckily, I had my best friend and mom by my side.
But guess what, we “worked” through it and moved in together after we graduated. In September, I quit my job to prepare to have Karsyn. I was able to still make some money from Jourdan’s Jewels and we did just fine. I had Karsyn in October and another huge fight in December. I went back and forth with my mom over whether I wanted to continue the relationship or not. It was hard. I was a new mom and he was all I knew. Needless to say, we “worked” through it, again. For the 947208720th time. (Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have left one of the first times we broke up, but I wouldn’t be where I am today or have my sweet son if that would have happened.)
We ended up moving to a bigger apartment the following year. We were there for almost a year and then in May 2013, I went to my cousin’s graduation in St. George. I just got a new car and had an appointment to get my windows tinted while I was down there. I was going to stay with his sister for the weekend. However, I was just so sick to my stomach about how unhappy I was. I ended up leaving and going home right after the graduation. I didn’t go to the dinner or get my windows tinted or to his sister’s. I just drove right home. When I got home, he was confused about why I was there. He was getting ready to go fishing and camping with my brother. He asked what I was doing and I just laid it out. I told him I was so unhappy and that I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I cried and cried because it was such a hard thing to do. I ended up going to my dad’s that night because I couldn’t stay “home.” He left with my brother and then the guilt set in. Like a crazy girl, I called him bawling and saying I was sorry and I didn’t mean it and to come back home. My dad was not outright trying to get me to not to this, but he just kept asking “are you sure? If you’re not happy, you shouldn’t stay.” He was being supportive of my decision. I ended up moving into my dad’s house and had some more crazy times. Haha. Not proud of those moments.
In June, I decided I needed a huge break. (I still wasn’t working at this point – just was selling clothes.) I called my grandparents in Oklahoma and asked if I could come out there for a while. They said yes and I flew out a week or two later. We stayed for two weeks and it was very much needed. But… during this time, Karsyn’s dad and I “worked” through it, once again. He got a new job in a new town, four hours away from our home. We agreed that once I got back, we’d go up and find a place to live and move and we’d have a fresh start.
On my way home, my mom called me and told me something my dad had found out about Karsyn’s dad. He was on a dating website. My dad was single at the time, so he was also on there and came across his profile. He called my mom and asked what they should do. They agreed to not tell me while I was on “vacation” because they didn’t want to ruin it for me. My mom told me on the way home so that I had an idea of what was going on and to make sure that he came clean about it. That night, I went to see Karsyn’s dad and he did tell me what happened, but “he wasn’t on there anymore.” So I said I’d forget about it and we could move and start over in a new place with new people. A clean slate.
To be continued….