I Had a Miscarriage

Before I got pregnant with Karsyn, a friend of mine was pregnant. She told me “I knew I was pregnant because I was so gassy.” Being gassy is a symptom of pregnancy. Lucky ladies haha! When I did get pregnant with Karsyn, I don’t remember being gassy, but I did wake up in the middle of the night every night to go pee. That was not something I had ever done before. I could always sleep all night long. (Remember — I got pregnant my Senior year of High School.) For our Senior trip, we went to Lagoon (an amusement park) and I got F.R.I.E.D. Apparently pregnant women are MUCH more susceptible to sunburns. I did wear sunscreen, but it pretty much did nothing for me.

Before I knew I was pregnant with Kamryn, I went to Lake Powell with Karsyn, a friend and her daughter, my mom and brother and sister. Holy crap. I got so sunburned. I didn’t understand why. I never sunburn. I always just get tan. Weird.. Then I started waking up in the middle of the night every night to go pee. What the heck is going on? Then I was gassy haha. A couple weeks later, I ended up taking a pregnancy test and it was positive! That’s when hindsight set in and was like “hello red flags! Sunburn, peeing in the night and gas.”

In December of 2018 I noticed some things with my own body. I just had a baby in April, so I could remember more from Kamryn’s pregnancy than I could with Karsyn’s. “No, can’t be.” I kept thinking to myself. Things progressed and wouldn’t you know I was waking up in the middle of every night to go pee and was gassier than normal. “No, this isn’t happening.” My period was supposed to be starting soon. But then it didn’t. One day. Two days. Three days passed. Four days. Five days. Six days passed. A week went by and still no period. “Holy shit. I think I’m pregnant.” I put the thought in the back of my head. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want it to be true. I wasn’t ready for another baby. Kamryn is only 8 months old. I juuuuust had a baby.

“If I don’t start my period by New Years Eve, I’ll take a test.” Even though I already knew the answer. Christmas night, I found the last leftover test that I had from when we were trying with Kamryn. I did it and sure enough, two pink lines popped up. My heart raced. I’ll tell Joe later. I wanted to think of a cute way to do it. Figured I could wait another week or so. Maybe I’d tell him on New Years Eve.

He was downstairs playing on the computer, as he always is. I went down there and stood in the doorway. “I need to tell you something.” He took his headphones off and said, “what?” “I’m pregnant again.” “No, you’re not.” “Yes, I am,” and then I fell to the ground sobbing. He picked me up and just held me. He told me it would all be okay and that it was fine. I was glad he wasn’t mad, because I was nervous about that. I still just sobbed uncontrollably. “Why are you crying so hard?” “Because I don’t want another baby right now. I juuuuuuust had a baby! I don’t want two babies. How am I going to do it with two babies? Two babies in car seats. Two babies in diapers. What am I going to do about work? If I don’t work, where will we get insurance? Are my moms going to be able to handle watching two babies? Two babies in car seats. Two babies in diapers. What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? I want more time with Kamryn. It was just me and Karsyn for 6.5 years. I want to enjoy Kamryn as a baby and not have to push her to the side to take care of another baby.” All these irrational thoughts and phrases came out of my mouth.

We went to bed and I just held Kamryn and cried. “You’re going to be a big sister.” Every time I looked at her, I cried some more.

That night, I had to give myself a reality check. I was not the first, nor the last mom to have babies 15/16 months apart. There are plenty of moms who have two babies. Think of the ones that have twins! You wanted twins. What difference is this? (Although, twins would be different, in my head. Even still.) I started picturing our lives with this third little baby. The one that would complete our family. I just knew it was a boy.

The next morning, I was looking at baby clothes. Planning out his room. I still have all of Karsyn’s stuff and this new baby would be born in the same season as Karsyn was, but he couldn’t have ONLY hand-me-downs. He had to have some of his own stuff. I began all the planning in my head.

When I got home from work, I told Karsyn that I had a secret. He smiled big and said “what is it?” Then he bent over so I could whisper it in his hear. “I’m having another baby.” “You are?!” He said, with a loving and excited smile. I shook my head yes. He jumped up and down and said “I’m so excited to have a little brother!” “You have to keep it a secret because we aren’t telling anyone yet. I am just wanting you to know now so that when I say ‘no’ to something at the store, I mean it because we have to save our money to buy a new house and stuff for this baby.” He shook his head in agreement. “I promise I won’t tell, mom.”

I called the doctor to make my appointment. Tuesday, January 8 at 10 AM.

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Sunday, January 6 at 2 PM. I was leaving to go get Karsyn from his dad’s. I get in the car and I am basically doubled over in my seat. My stomach was hurting so bad. “Am I having a miscarriage?” It felt like a super sharp pain right in my pelvic area. Like I said before, I don’t remember much from being pregnant with Karsyn, but I just had Kamryn and I didn’t feel anything like this. I knew the feeling was not normal. I have a high pain tolerance, but it was making me sick because it hurt so bad. I just kept driving and tried to ignore the pain.

I got home around 4 and went to the bathroom. There was blood in my undies. I went back downstairs to tell Joe while he played on the computer. “I think I’m having a miscarriage.” “Why?” I told him about the pain and blood. He didn’t really say much.. He is a man of verrrry few words. I called the hospital. “How do I know if I’m having a miscarriage?” “What are your symptoms?” I told her about the pain and blood. “Let me transfer you to an OB nurse.” The next nurse.. “How do I know if I’m having a miscarriage?” “What are your symptoms?,” he asked. So, again, I told him about the blood and pain. “Let me transfer you to L&D.” So the third nurse.. “How do I know if I’m having a miscarriage?” “What are your symptoms?” So, for a third time, I repeated what was going on. “Well, you don’t know unless you have an ultrasound. Just lay down and take it easy. If you’re still bleeding in the morning, call your doctor and try to get in.” Thanks for the excellent advice.

The next morning around 10 AM, I called the doctor. I tried to get the nurse directly, but she didn’t answer, so I left a message. I told her what was going on and asked what I needed to do. She called me back around 4:30 and said I need to get to the hospital now and get an ultrasound. I text Joe and let him know that the kids and I were going and we’d see him later. He said he’d meet me there.

The room was silent the whole time. I didn’t dare ask. All I could see was just a grey blob on the screen. I know that babies are white. Finally, when the lady cleaned off my belly, I said, “so…?” And she replied with the words I already knew. “It does look like you’re miscarrying.” I laughed and half-smiled, as I do when I’m sad, but don’t want to show it. “Well, thanks.” My chin began to quiver and I just wanted to get out of there. She reached out and gave me a big long hug. I cried on her shoulder and she told me how sorry she was. “You know, it happens to one in four. So as unfortunate as it is, it’s quite common. We don’t know why. There must’ve just been something wrong.”

As we exited the room, there sat another family, excitedly waiting to go see their baby on the screen. Tears fell from my face. That would not be us. We did not say another word the whole way out to the vehicles. I put the kids in the car. Joe gave me a hug and we cried. When I got in the car, I could tell Karsyn was sad. “So what does that mean, mom?” “The baby died, bud.” I gave him a hug and we cried.

When we got home, I text our parents and said “Hi. Just wanted to let you know that I just had a miscarriage. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m sad, but I’ll be okay.” They all said they were sorry and that they loved me and to let them know if they could do anything. The nurse also gave me a call and said I still needed to come in the next day for my scheduled appointment.

One day shy of 8 weeks. I went in for my appointment and instead of peeing in the cup for them to confirm that I was pregnant, they were checking to see that I was no longer. They asked how I was feeling and told me what I needed to do now. “You just had a baby, so you know what you can’t do for the next 6 weeks. Your mental health is also very important. Please come to us for anything. You’re lucky that you passed it on your own. We don’t know why it happens, but that was just Mother Natures way of taking care of it. If you have too much bleeding, you need to come in. The best time to get pregnant right after a miscarriage is right away.” “I don’t want another baby right now. This was not planned.” “Oh, I was surprised when I saw your name on the schedule and that you were pregnant so soon, but I was happy for you! It would have been crazy, but fun. Lots of moms plan it like that.”

“I don’t want another baby right now.” I said over and over. I cried, but I was okay. My heart was, in fact, broken, but now I have an angel baby looking over me. I hadn’t thought of it like that until my mom said something.

I put away all things I bought for him. I deleted all of the remaining items that were in my carts. I cried for a couple days. But it’s okay. I know it was supposed to happen like that. I’d be lying if the phrase of “be careful what you wish for” didn’t cross my mind. I know it’s not my fault, but that little sting gets me every now and then. It’s been a little over two months now and life has gone back to normal. I think about the baby all the time. When I see other pregnant mommies. When I hear of someone due in August. That would have been me. I’d have a big ol’ baby belly right now. I’d be feeling the kicks and flutters and the ever annoying hiccups.

I know we’ll get another baby, when the time is right.

See you on the other side, angel baby. I love you.

Our Love Story, Concluded

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With all of #ourlovestory being posted, I am sure you can guess what today is! ONE YEAR!* We made it a whole year! All four seasons! I’d be lying if I said the past year was a breeze and easy, because it most definitely was NOT. There were several times where I didn’t think our relationship would last through the night. There have been several big fights. Lots and lots and lots of tears from all of us. The past year has been full of change. Lifestyle changes for all of us. Karsyn and I had to get used to someone being there for and with us. But above all, this past year has been an incredible journey that I wouldn’t trade for the world! We have made so so many memories. Shared lots of good times and bad. Laughed so hard that we cried. It has been so, so, so nice to have someone to come home to. To have a best friend to share important things in mine and Karsyn’s lives. I’ve never felt uncomfortable around Joe. I’ve always felt like I could be myself around him. Karsyn has loved Joe from the very beginning. He has always, always been so concerned about him. If Joe isn’t home before we are, all I hear is “Where’s Joe? When is Joe going to be home? When does Joe get off work? Can I call Joe to see what’s taking him so long? How much longer til Joe comes home?” It’s very comforting to me that they love each other so much. Joe’s family took right to Karsyn and have treated us both as if we’ve been a part of the family forever. I cannot say enough how thankful I am for Joe and his family. They are such amazing people. Karsyn and I are truly blessed to have found Joe. They always say that things happen when you least expect them to and that is exactly what happened here. I was feeling like I was never going to find my other half, especially in good ol’ Sevier county. I was just trying to focus on being a good mom. Next thing you know, Joe slowly made his way into our lives. Ever since the first date, we have been inseparable. I love you SO MUCH, Joe. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re my very best friend. My better half. My rock. My shoulder to cry on. My home. Happy one year to us! Here’s to the rest of our lives! That concludes Chapter 1! 

*At the time of this blog post, we’ve been together for almost 4 years and married for 2, in May.

Our Love Story, Part 9.2

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July 25, continued. I didn’t meet his mom right then, but I met Aaron and 3 out of 4 of the kids. Joe grabbed about 10 guns and 1097509730 bullets. (And if you know Joe, you know he still has 509740872084025 more bullets that he left behind.) We headed up to the saw dust pits and shot some clay pigeons for a while. Then we went back to his house and dropped everything off. At that point, I met his mom and sister. We left a little bit later, ordered some pizza, grabbed a Redbox and drove around some more. When the pizza was done, we picked it up and went back to my house to eat. Then we watched the stupid movie from Redbox and then another movie on Netflix. It was 3 in the morning before he left (and went to the gym). The rest is basically history! We have been inseparable ever since! I love you, Joey! 

Our Love Story, Part 9.1

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July 25, continued.. I was laughing and Joe was probably thinking “what the hell is wrong with this girl? What I’m saying is not even funny. Why is she dying of laughter?” I told him sorry and to keep going. Finally he turned around and Bailee quit real quick. She didn’t want him to see the faces. I finally pulled myself together and we finished our food. Then we headed over to Salina to check out the cars. We hung out there for a bit, then headed back to town. And you guys!! Guess what? The date was totally NOT awkward and weird. We talked the entire time. There was never a moment of awkward silence. We never ran out of things to say. We laughed and sang along to the radio. After the car show, we drove all around Richfield, Elsinore, Monroe and back to Richfield. As we were driving from the Brooklyn road into Monroe, there are those two trailer houses on each side of the turn. We turned to go into Monroe and I pointed to one of the trailer houses and sayed “oh, that’s my mom’s house right there!” The look on his face was PRICELESS. “…….. Oh… Did you want to stop?……” I was trying so hard not to laugh, but then I busted up. “I’m just kidding.” And the relief that washed over his face was pretty good, too! We still joke about that every time we drive by. On our third round around Richfield, I said that we didn’t have to keep driving all over the place and we could go back to my house. So we went to my house, talked to Bailee for a little bit and then decided to go shooting. We pulled into his driveway and his dad was outside in his Daisy Dukes and was soooo excited to meet me. I’ll never forget that. It kinda freaked me out at first (sorry Bob – love ya!!) just because this was really the first time we’d ever actually hung out and I was already meeting all of his family and they were asking about Karsyn. It was just a lot right at once. “Your mom is upstairs. Take Jourdan up to meet her. She will love that.”

Our Love Story, Part 9

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July 25. (This is a long one, so it has to be broken up a bit.) I woke up just before 10 and rushed down to the salon. I was getting my eyelashes done for the first time. Mom T said it would only take an hour, which was perfect. I’d still have an hour to get ready before Joe came to get me. The whole time, I told her how nervous I was for this date. “I think it will be so awkward. He’s so quiet. How am I supposed to keep a conversation going the whole time? I’m not real talkative at first. What am I going to ask him? What will we talk about?” Okay, so I was freaking out. My eyelashes ended up taking a bit longer and he had already asked if noon was alright? I’d already said yes. I left the salon at 11:27 and I told him I might be just a little bit late since my eyelashes took longer. He said it was fine. I rushed home to get ready. Good thing you don’t need much makeup when you have fake lashes! Those things are awesome!! Just before 12, I text him and told him I was ready. “Wow, you’re speedy! I’ll be there in just a minute.” A couple minutes later, there was a knock on the door. “Hey Jourdie.” I looked out and saw this old buggy-type car. What the….? “I traded the Dodge for this.” Then he laughed. I was still like “Uhhh… Okay…” He opened the door for me and then he told me it was his grandpa’s old car. Once we were both in, I asked what he had planned. He said lunch and then the car show in Salina and was laughing the whole time. “What’s so funny?” “You told me to surprise you with what we were going to do and then you asked what I had planned.” We drove around for about an hour before he pulled in to Sagebrush. No cars in the parking lot. They were closed. We went to Steve’s. No cars. They were closed, too. What the heck? It was a Saturday afternoon! “How about Frontier?” “Yes, that’s my favorite.” We went and traded the buggy car for the Dodge. Frontier was open so we sat down and ordered our food. Bailee was working and she kept pulling faces at me while Joe was talking. I was trying not to pay attention to her, but I couldn’t help it…

Our Love Story, Part 8

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Throughout the week, we’d snapped a little here and there, but didn’t really talk. He’d ride by my house with Garrett on his fourwheeler. I was dying at that because the road to his house was two streets north. Was he trying to be sneaky and see if I was outside or what? Ha! By Wednesday, he’d finally asked me on a date. He said he’d pick me up on Saturday at 12 or 12:30. He asked what I wanted to do and I told him to surprise me, that I was okay with anything. On Friday, July 24, he had texted me to make sure we were still on for the next day. I replied yes. I was super nervous. I just knew it was going to be so awkward and weird. But I needed to give it a shot! He did seem like a really nice guy and he was definitely easy on the eyes, so how bad could it really be??

Our Love Story, Part 7

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July 18. I got home late the night before, so I slept in a bit. My parents wanted to go on a little trip, so I had Tanna and Tarris staying at my house. All day, I just hung out around the house, cleaning and putting stuff away a little here and there. But you can only do that so much before it gets boring. It was about 4:30 and I was in the kitchen snapping my friends for advice. “Do I just give him my number and hope he’ll text me or should I just wait for him to say something first?” They all said to just give him my number and wait to see what happens. 😨 This was so not my thing! I went to Facebook and opened a message with him telling him my number and snap name. I closed out of it probably 4 or 5 times. I was nervous. I sent one more snap out to my friends “wish me luck!” And I hit send on the message. (Later, I found out that he’d already had my number for a while!) My stomach was churning. My heart was pounding. I was a little shaky. And then the waiting game..  after an hour, I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed something to calm my nerves and take my mind off of it. He’d opened the message but wasn’t saying anything?! 😱 So I went and got some ice cream. #comfortfood. When I came home, I sat on my ugly old brown couch and ate my slushie. Halfway through it, my phone dings. “Hey Jourdie. It’s Joe. What are you up to?” 💓 “Just eating a slushie. You?” He was up in Logan visiting his friends. He said he was at Sportsman’s and asked if I needed anything from there. I told him no, but seriously, how cute was that that he’d asked?! We talked throughout the evening and he asked if I wanted to hang out when he got home. I said yeah, I did, but my siblings were here and I didn’t want to kick them off the couch. I figured if he made it home at a decent time, we could just sit and talk for a bit, but he didn’t get home until around midnight, so we ended up not being able to, but talked til 2 in the morning. He told me he was going to bed, but that his house was kinda creepy at night and that he felt like someone was watching him. 👻 I called him a scaredy cat and told him goodnight…

Our Love Story, Part 6

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July 17 – Friday night. Katie and Jayden invited a bunch of people over for a BBQ and a movie. When i got there, I asked who else was coming. “Garrett, Shelby and Joe”. Hailee and Quaid were already there. After an hour or so, Garrett and Shelby showed up, with Joe not far behind. He had his big ol’ mountain dew with him, but said he’d already eaten. He sat on the couch pretty much the whole time, just listening to all the conversations. When it was time for the movie (The Loft), Garrett and Shelby sat by Joe on the love seat. Garrett kept telling me to sit by Joe, that they’d scoot over, I could sit in his lap and yada yada. “I’m not sitting on his lap! I barely even know the guy.” I laid on the floor next to Karsyn. It was never comfortable, but I waited for Karsyn to fall asleep before moving next to Katie ans Jayden on the big couch. When the movie was over, Garrett and Joe went outside. Shortly after, Garrett returned, but Joe had left. Well, bye to you, too! 👋 I was starting to think this whole thing was just weird. Why the heck wouldn’t he talk to me? He was suddenly everywhere I was, but would hardly say 5 words??? 😣

Our Love Story, Part 5

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July 16 was just like any other day. I hadn’t given much thought to anything that had happened over the last few weeks. I’d been so busy. I was finally done with my house 🏡 and still in the middle of a mess – trying to put everything away, decorate, etc. I think everyone knows by now that I hate to cook. I was thinking Arby’s. So we left to go grab a roast beef. On the way back home, I got a text from Shelby saying they just stopped by with Joe, wanted to check out the house, but I wasn’t there. “I just pulled up. You can come back.” Crap. I shoveled my food in my mouth and hid all the evidence. I tried to pick up what I could, but they’d just have to understand why I was in a mess. About 10 minutes later they pulled up, came in and sat down on my new couch. We talked about the house and buying houses and stuff for a little bit, then I kinda showed them around. I remember being embarrassed about my bed. I had an old, torn ripped blanket (aka the best blanket ever) as my bedspread because I was washing my normal one. I had just hung up some pictures of Karsyn and I that we had taken down in St. George, so we admired those for a minute and then went outside. I showed them the yard and how the sheetrockers left a rag in my window when they framed in the shower and that you can see it from the outside. #soannoying. The whole time Joe was real quiet. He would laugh here and there, but didn’t really say much. Karsyn was out playing in the “ditch” in front of the yard. He so badly wanted#daizeegirl to get in with him. I kept telling him no, but he put her in anyway. “Mom, Daizee got in all by herself!” That got Joe to laugh, but still didn’t say anything really. After about two hours, they left. I saw Garrett drive off about two blocks from my house and turn. I knew he was taking Joe home, but what I didn’t know that Joe’s house was just two blocks in front of me. If the tabernacle wasn’t right out my window, I’d be able to see his house from my front room…

Our Love Story, Part 4

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July 15, 2015, Joe added me on Facebook. Finally I could stalk his page! I couldn’t find him on here this whole time because when Garrett first told me his name, I thought he said Joe Botts. 😂😂😂 I still laugh about that. hahahahahaha. I was looking for this Joe guy. It never occurred to look under Joseph. I can remember the second my phone made the notification noise. I was spray painting some picture frames for my room in my front yard. When I saw that it was him that had added me, I was battling with myself.

Do I accept him right now? Should I wait a little bit? How long?

I put my phone down and finished what I was doing. I told myself I’d accept him the next day. 5 minutes later I clicked on “Confirm.” I washed what I could of the paint off and began to stalk this guy’s FB. Yep. Clear back to the first day he created his page. 😂 There wasn’t a whole lot to see, so it didn’t take me too long. One thing I kept thinking was “is this really him? He looks nothing like his FB pictures.” To this day, I still don’t think he looks like the guy in his previous profile pic and several others that are on there. Over the next hour or so, I got a bunch of notifications.

“Joseph Watts liked your photo.”