Before I got pregnant with Karsyn, a friend of mine was pregnant. She told me “I knew I was pregnant because I was so gassy.” Being gassy is a symptom of pregnancy. Lucky ladies haha! When I did get pregnant with Karsyn, I don’t remember being gassy, but I did wake up in the middle of the night every night to go pee. That was not something I had ever done before. I could always sleep all night long. (Remember — I got pregnant my Senior year of High School.) For our Senior trip, we went to Lagoon (an amusement park) and I got F.R.I.E.D. Apparently pregnant women are MUCH more susceptible to sunburns. I did wear sunscreen, but it pretty much did nothing for me.
Before I knew I was pregnant with Kamryn, I went to Lake Powell with Karsyn, a friend and her daughter, my mom and brother and sister. Holy crap. I got so sunburned. I didn’t understand why. I never sunburn. I always just get tan. Weird.. Then I started waking up in the middle of the night every night to go pee. What the heck is going on? Then I was gassy haha. A couple weeks later, I ended up taking a pregnancy test and it was positive! That’s when hindsight set in and was like “hello red flags! Sunburn, peeing in the night and gas.”
In December of 2018 I noticed some things with my own body. I just had a baby in April, so I could remember more from Kamryn’s pregnancy than I could with Karsyn’s. “No, can’t be.” I kept thinking to myself. Things progressed and wouldn’t you know I was waking up in the middle of every night to go pee and was gassier than normal. “No, this isn’t happening.” My period was supposed to be starting soon. But then it didn’t. One day. Two days. Three days passed. Four days. Five days. Six days passed. A week went by and still no period. “Holy shit. I think I’m pregnant.” I put the thought in the back of my head. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want it to be true. I wasn’t ready for another baby. Kamryn is only 8 months old. I juuuuust had a baby.
“If I don’t start my period by New Years Eve, I’ll take a test.” Even though I already knew the answer. Christmas night, I found the last leftover test that I had from when we were trying with Kamryn. I did it and sure enough, two pink lines popped up. My heart raced. I’ll tell Joe later. I wanted to think of a cute way to do it. Figured I could wait another week or so. Maybe I’d tell him on New Years Eve.
He was downstairs playing on the computer, as he always is. I went down there and stood in the doorway. “I need to tell you something.” He took his headphones off and said, “what?” “I’m pregnant again.” “No, you’re not.” “Yes, I am,” and then I fell to the ground sobbing. He picked me up and just held me. He told me it would all be okay and that it was fine. I was glad he wasn’t mad, because I was nervous about that. I still just sobbed uncontrollably. “Why are you crying so hard?” “Because I don’t want another baby right now. I juuuuuuust had a baby! I don’t want two babies. How am I going to do it with two babies? Two babies in car seats. Two babies in diapers. What am I going to do about work? If I don’t work, where will we get insurance? Are my moms going to be able to handle watching two babies? Two babies in car seats. Two babies in diapers. What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? I want more time with Kamryn. It was just me and Karsyn for 6.5 years. I want to enjoy Kamryn as a baby and not have to push her to the side to take care of another baby.” All these irrational thoughts and phrases came out of my mouth.
We went to bed and I just held Kamryn and cried. “You’re going to be a big sister.” Every time I looked at her, I cried some more.
That night, I had to give myself a reality check. I was not the first, nor the last mom to have babies 15/16 months apart. There are plenty of moms who have two babies. Think of the ones that have twins! You wanted twins. What difference is this? (Although, twins would be different, in my head. Even still.) I started picturing our lives with this third little baby. The one that would complete our family. I just knew it was a boy.
The next morning, I was looking at baby clothes. Planning out his room. I still have all of Karsyn’s stuff and this new baby would be born in the same season as Karsyn was, but he couldn’t have ONLY hand-me-downs. He had to have some of his own stuff. I began all the planning in my head.
When I got home from work, I told Karsyn that I had a secret. He smiled big and said “what is it?” Then he bent over so I could whisper it in his hear. “I’m having another baby.” “You are?!” He said, with a loving and excited smile. I shook my head yes. He jumped up and down and said “I’m so excited to have a little brother!” “You have to keep it a secret because we aren’t telling anyone yet. I am just wanting you to know now so that when I say ‘no’ to something at the store, I mean it because we have to save our money to buy a new house and stuff for this baby.” He shook his head in agreement. “I promise I won’t tell, mom.”
I called the doctor to make my appointment. Tuesday, January 8 at 10 AM.
Sunday, January 6 at 2 PM. I was leaving to go get Karsyn from his dad’s. I get in the car and I am basically doubled over in my seat. My stomach was hurting so bad. “Am I having a miscarriage?” It felt like a super sharp pain right in my pelvic area. Like I said before, I don’t remember much from being pregnant with Karsyn, but I just had Kamryn and I didn’t feel anything like this. I knew the feeling was not normal. I have a high pain tolerance, but it was making me sick because it hurt so bad. I just kept driving and tried to ignore the pain.
I got home around 4 and went to the bathroom. There was blood in my undies. I went back downstairs to tell Joe while he played on the computer. “I think I’m having a miscarriage.” “Why?” I told him about the pain and blood. He didn’t really say much.. He is a man of verrrry few words. I called the hospital. “How do I know if I’m having a miscarriage?” “What are your symptoms?” I told her about the pain and blood. “Let me transfer you to an OB nurse.” The next nurse.. “How do I know if I’m having a miscarriage?” “What are your symptoms?,” he asked. So, again, I told him about the blood and pain. “Let me transfer you to L&D.” So the third nurse.. “How do I know if I’m having a miscarriage?” “What are your symptoms?” So, for a third time, I repeated what was going on. “Well, you don’t know unless you have an ultrasound. Just lay down and take it easy. If you’re still bleeding in the morning, call your doctor and try to get in.” Thanks for the excellent advice.
The next morning around 10 AM, I called the doctor. I tried to get the nurse directly, but she didn’t answer, so I left a message. I told her what was going on and asked what I needed to do. She called me back around 4:30 and said I need to get to the hospital now and get an ultrasound. I text Joe and let him know that the kids and I were going and we’d see him later. He said he’d meet me there.
The room was silent the whole time. I didn’t dare ask. All I could see was just a grey blob on the screen. I know that babies are white. Finally, when the lady cleaned off my belly, I said, “so…?” And she replied with the words I already knew. “It does look like you’re miscarrying.” I laughed and half-smiled, as I do when I’m sad, but don’t want to show it. “Well, thanks.” My chin began to quiver and I just wanted to get out of there. She reached out and gave me a big long hug. I cried on her shoulder and she told me how sorry she was. “You know, it happens to one in four. So as unfortunate as it is, it’s quite common. We don’t know why. There must’ve just been something wrong.”
As we exited the room, there sat another family, excitedly waiting to go see their baby on the screen. Tears fell from my face. That would not be us. We did not say another word the whole way out to the vehicles. I put the kids in the car. Joe gave me a hug and we cried. When I got in the car, I could tell Karsyn was sad. “So what does that mean, mom?” “The baby died, bud.” I gave him a hug and we cried.
When we got home, I text our parents and said “Hi. Just wanted to let you know that I just had a miscarriage. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m sad, but I’ll be okay.” They all said they were sorry and that they loved me and to let them know if they could do anything. The nurse also gave me a call and said I still needed to come in the next day for my scheduled appointment.
One day shy of 8 weeks. I went in for my appointment and instead of peeing in the cup for them to confirm that I was pregnant, they were checking to see that I was no longer. They asked how I was feeling and told me what I needed to do now. “You just had a baby, so you know what you can’t do for the next 6 weeks. Your mental health is also very important. Please come to us for anything. You’re lucky that you passed it on your own. We don’t know why it happens, but that was just Mother Natures way of taking care of it. If you have too much bleeding, you need to come in. The best time to get pregnant right after a miscarriage is right away.” “I don’t want another baby right now. This was not planned.” “Oh, I was surprised when I saw your name on the schedule and that you were pregnant so soon, but I was happy for you! It would have been crazy, but fun. Lots of moms plan it like that.”
“I don’t want another baby right now.” I said over and over. I cried, but I was okay. My heart was, in fact, broken, but now I have an angel baby looking over me. I hadn’t thought of it like that until my mom said something.
I put away all things I bought for him. I deleted all of the remaining items that were in my carts. I cried for a couple days. But it’s okay. I know it was supposed to happen like that. I’d be lying if the phrase of “be careful what you wish for” didn’t cross my mind. I know it’s not my fault, but that little sting gets me every now and then. It’s been a little over two months now and life has gone back to normal. I think about the baby all the time. When I see other pregnant mommies. When I hear of someone due in August. That would have been me. I’d have a big ol’ baby belly right now. I’d be feeling the kicks and flutters and the ever annoying hiccups.
I know we’ll get another baby, when the time is right.
See you on the other side, angel baby. I love you.