Single Motherhood, Part 2

Continued from part 1


We were living in a new city, four hours away from home. I’d never been away from home before. Never been away from my family or friends. I left all of them. I left my comfort. I left my help. I cried a lot because I missed my mom. I didn’t have any friends. The people were so snooty there. I would go to the library, the park, the rec center, etc. to try and meet people, but it was like they could tell I didn’t belong. I didn’t have a job still. Was still just doing my online sales with Jourdan’s Jewels.

My mom and two of my siblings came to visit for a weekend and that was so nice. I went home two or three times during my six weeks in the new town. But ultimately, I still wasn’t happy. I could tell he was trying at this point.. He would write on nice things on my Facebook for all to see. He sent me flowers. He was being sweet. All the things a girl would want in a relationship. But it was too late. I was so depressed. I have never admitted this, but I’d wait until I could hear his truck coming down the road for lunch to hop in the shower so I could avoid him for as long as possible. By the time I got out and got dressed, it was time for him to head back to work. That’s so rude. So rude. But that’s how dark I was.

A couple days before one of his brother’s got married, I had said that I still wasn’t happy and didn’t think I was going to go. He puked and puked because the thought made him sick. That was so hard for me, but I couldn’t be manipulated by that. (I in no way think that he was puking to manipulate me into staying; he was doing it because of his feelings.) If I wasn’t happy now, I felt it was highly unlikely for me to be happy at all. We ended up going to the wedding, but I tried to avoid all pictures. I knew I was leaving. I didn’t want to be in their family pictures that they would have for a lifetime. I didn’t want to be the outcast. The one that they put a smiley face sticker over. The one they rolled their eyes at every time they looked at their beautiful wedding photos. I dashed to the bathroom. Stayed in there for as long as I could without it being weird to the other people that were coming in and out. I kept walking around and going outside. I stood behind the other family that wasn’t getting their picture taken right then, hoping to blend in with them so no one would notice. But they did. “Come on! Get in the pic! You’re part of the family. Get over here.” I kept saying “no, it’s fine! Just do them without me.” If they only knew why I was saying that, they probably would have said “okay, crazy. You stay over there.”

It was a couple weeks after the wedding that I finally said that I was going to leave for good. I just wasn’t happy. Nothing was working. It was too late. The image I had in my head was not reality. I was living in this world in my head that was not real. I had dreamed up this perfect Prince Charming and that was not him. It was unfair of me to keep going. It was unfair for all of us. I spilled my guts again. Walked down the street, calling my dad, again. Sobbing. Asking if I could come back, again. The whole time, K just sat on the porch watching me. I could tell he was sad, but he wasn’t doing anything to stop me. Which was fine. I loaded up as much as I could into my car – just things we needed to get by for a few days. Put Karsyn’s carseat in the front seat so I had as much room as possible in the back. And around 8:30 PM on August 30, 2013 (my mom’s 40th birthday), I backed out of the driveway and headed back home.

To be continued…


Single Motherhood, Part 1

Lately, I have been talking about my journey as a single mother on my personal Instagram. Talking and writing is very therapuetic for me. As I mentioned in my last post, I have been doing a “daily walk talk” on my personal Instagram. For the last few days, I have went into some detail about those times.

In short, I will sum it up here for everyone to read.


Karsyn’s dad and I were together from middle school (8th grade) and all through high school and then a couple years after. Our relationship was always rocky. There was always something going on behind my back. There was always another girl. I was always the other girl, even when I was the “official” girl.

When the show Teen Mom came out, I knew that was going to be me. I was 16 at the time and I just knew I would be a teen mom.

Fast forward to my Senior year of high school, I got pregnant. I was on a medication that canceled out my birth control. I knew I was pregnant, even before I took a test. “Something is wrong with me, so either way, I need to see a doctor – pregnant or not,” I said to his dad as we walked out of Walmart, pregnancy test in hand. This was March 16, 2011. We went over to my mom’s, where I was living at the time, and I went in the bathroom and took the test. I waited the three minutes, like the test and when I was brave enough to look at what I already knew was true, I saw this faint pink line. I took a picture of it and sent it to a friend, who was also pregnant. “????” Her response, “yep, you’re pregnant.” Quickly, I slid the pregnancy test under the bath mat. Everyone was home and I’d been in the bathroom for quite some time. I walked out, saw his dad sitting in the chair. I shook my head “yes” to him and went in my room. He went downstairs and laid on the couch, crying. When I was done doing whatever it was I was doing – helping my mom with something, I went downstairs, as well. I knew it was a boy and his name was going to be Karsyn. His dad and I had been together for a long time, so we had already talked about names. I sat down on the couch and he put his hand on my belly and said “I love you, Karsyn.”

About a week later, I told my mom. My hair was in a pony tail and I walked down the stairs. “Mom,” I said, twirling my hair around my finger as I always do when I am not sure what to do with my hands. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” She asked. I just broke down and said yes. She held me and told me it was going to be okay.

I made my doctor’s appointment and figured I was about 6 weeks along. You don’t see the doc until 8 weeks, so I waited for those two weeks to “officially” confirm what my head already knew. My mom came with me. I peed in the cup and when they dipped the stick, my mom watched. She came in the room and said “sure enough!” Like she was in shock that it was true.

At the 10 week appointment, the doc could not find his heartbeat. That was a scary time because I already loved this baby. I didn’t want him to die. The doc scheduled an ultrasound, but it wasn’t until the next week. That was a long, stressful week. Fortunately, he was there, alive and well! From there, I was able to get some of the ultrasound pictures.

I told my dad and bonus mom about my pregnancy right before Easter. So a month after I knew. I put the ultrasound pictures in a big plastic egg and had them open it. I was incredibly scared to tell my dad. I just knew he was going to be so disappointed in me. Luckily, he was not. He didn’t say a whole lot, but he let me know that he was not mad or sad about it.

Later that day, I went to Walmart and ran into my bonus mom. She had a CART full of baby stuff! She was excited for me. That relieved some of the stress and it was so kind of her to go out and buy a bunch of stuff already. She said “we’ll since you’re here, let’s just load it into your car!” She had bought me diapers, wipes, onesies and a bunch of other gender neutral things. I will forever be grateful for that.

The next month was May. Time for graduation. This when things got really bad. I caught him in the middle of a biggggggg lie and I was so stressed and hurt by the whole thing. I thought I was going to lose the baby and stayed home from school for a couple days to try and calm down. Luckily, I had my best friend and mom by my side.

But guess what, we “worked” through it and moved in together after we graduated. In September, I quit my job to prepare to have Karsyn. I was able to still make some money from Jourdan’s Jewels and we did just fine. I had Karsyn in October and another huge fight in December. I went back and forth with my mom over whether I wanted to continue the relationship or not. It was hard. I was a new mom and he was all I knew. Needless to say, we “worked” through it, again. For the 947208720th time. (Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have left one of the first times we broke up, but I wouldn’t be where I am today or have my sweet son if that would have happened.)

We ended up moving to a bigger apartment the following year. We were there for almost a year and then in May 2013, I went to my cousin’s graduation in St. George. I just got a new car and had an appointment to get my windows tinted while I was down there. I was going to stay with his sister for the weekend. However, I was just so sick to my stomach about how unhappy I was. I ended up leaving and going home right after the graduation. I didn’t go to the dinner or get my windows tinted or to his sister’s. I just drove right home. When I got home, he was confused about why I was there. He was getting ready to go fishing and camping with my brother. He asked what I was doing and I just laid it out. I told him I was so unhappy and that I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I cried and cried because it was such a hard thing to do. I ended up going to my dad’s that night because I couldn’t stay “home.” He left with my brother and then the guilt set in. Like a crazy girl, I called him bawling and saying I was sorry and I didn’t mean it and to come back home. My dad was not outright trying to get me to not to this, but he just kept asking “are you sure? If you’re not happy, you shouldn’t stay.” He was being supportive of my decision. I ended up moving into my dad’s house and had some more crazy times. Haha. Not proud of those moments.

In June, I decided I needed a huge break. (I still wasn’t working at this point – just was selling clothes.) I called my grandparents in Oklahoma and asked if I could come out there for a while. They said yes and I flew out a week or two later. We stayed for two weeks and it was very much needed. But… during this time, Karsyn’s dad and I “worked” through it, once again. He got a new job in a new town, four hours away from our home. We agreed that once I got back, we’d go up and find a place to live and move and we’d have a fresh start.

On my way home, my mom called me and told me something my dad had found out about Karsyn’s dad. He was on a dating website. My dad was single at the time, so he was also on there and came across his profile. He called my mom and asked what they should do. They agreed to not tell me while I was on “vacation” because they didn’t want to ruin it for me. My mom told me on the way home so that I had an idea of what was going on and to make sure that he came clean about it. That night, I went to see Karsyn’s dad and he did tell me what happened, but “he wasn’t on there anymore.” So I said I’d forget about it and we could move and start over in a new place with new people. A clean slate.

To be continued….

Loving Someone with Depression: What It’s Like For the One You Love

Falling in love is great. Especially if it’s with someone great! First you go through the honeymoon phase where everything is just so awesome and nothing stands in your way. Unfortunately, a couple doesn’t always stay in that fun little phase. As time goes on, you really start to learn more about the person you are in a relationship with. You learn what makes them tick. What makes them happy. What makes them sad. What makes them mad. What they love. What they hate. You learn their routine. You learn their mannerisms. You can tell when something is wrong. When they’re not quite themselves.

Everyone has their bad/sad days. You can’t deny it. We’ve all been there. Even “normal” people get them… Some more than others. But nonetheless, this is something we all experience.

Loving Someone with Depression

When you have depression and/or anxiety (side note here: they are not the same thing! They share similarities, but are entirely different things. You can have one or the other or both. Just because you suffer from depression, doesn’t mean you suffer from anxiety and visa versa.), you never really know when you’re bad days are going to hit. Everyone says “it’s a choice to be happy” and yes, for the most part it is. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you just fall into a deep, dark hole and there is no ladder to help you climb out. For me personally, I can be so happy all day and with the flip of a switch be so sad and start sobbing. This doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. It’s hard to explain, it really is.

In the 5th grade, I was diagnosed with depression. #embarrassing. I had a lot of things going on in my life at the time. My mom was in a lot of trouble for doing drugs. My dad and other mom just had a baby, so I was no longer an only child. And let me tell you something: being an only child for 11 years and then having another baby come in the picture is hard! I wasn’t the priority anymore – literally felt like I didn’t even matter and that the world would have been a better place without me. I couldn’t understand how my parents could love me so much one day and then not the next. The next 12 years of my life were difficult. Don’t get me wrong. I had lots and lots of good times, days, months in between there. I had some great experiences. Met some awesome people. But there was a lot that went on. A lot of times when I just felt like I could leave and no one would miss me. A lot of lonely nights. Hate riddled my bones.

Once I hit 22, I could finally see the light. Things were starting to fall into place. I landed a full-time job with benefits. I bought a house on my own – something that I had worked very hard for. I bought a new car. I met an amazing guy that I now love with all of my heart.

{Another side note: I just want to say realllll quick that I am in NO way what-so-ever trying to make excuses, I am just trying to shed some light and say how I feel. I am not speaking for everyone because we are all different, but if you can relate and I can help you, then my job here is done.}

I recently had a bad few days, so I decided to write about it. Writing is so therapeutic! I am in a “new” relationship – been almost 10 months now, so we are definitely passed the honeymoon phase. We get along great, for the most part. We laugh a lot. A LOT. We fight. We love. We cry…

So let me just back up a little here – and I’m sorry that I’m rambling. I promise I’ll get to the point. I feel like I am at a pretty good point in my life. I don’t have bad/sad days nearly as often as I used to. I’ve learned to deal with it, how to hide it and just pretend that I’m fine. I know that not everyone knows how to handle it, so I try to save my weak moments for myself when I can cry in the shower or after everyone’s gone to bed.  Let me give you a scenario… On Monday, I was having a normal day. Get off work, pick up my child (who did not stop whining from the second I picked him up until the second he fell asleep),  have to go to the store for food – boo!, come home from the store and I was so damn annoyed. I was on edge. I was irritated. Everything was pissing me right the hell off! My sweet boy was driving my absolutely insane. I finally ended up kicking his butt and putting him in his room – mother of the year over here! I cooked breakfast for dinner. Still was annoyed, but trying to come out of it. By the time I went to bed, I was alright. Tuesday I was just so anxious. Something was bugging me, but I couldn’t pin point it. And to be honest, I didn’t want to figure out what it was. It takes to much time to figure it out. So I settled with “I don’t know what’s wrong.” It’s just easier that way. Even if you do know why, it’s hard to put it in words. It’s hard to say it in a way that someone on the outside might understand. I expressed how I felt like crying. When I was asked why, “I don’t know” was all I could say. Sometimes you just REALLY don’t know what’s wrong. You’re just off. Wednesday was another normal day, but by the middle of the day, I started to get a headache and started to feel.. not good. By the time I went to bed, my head was pounding and I just felt worse. Sometimes it’s too much too deal with. Sometimes it’s hard to be strong all the time and put up a front. So I rolled over and started to cry. I tried real hard to be quiet, but your nose starts to run, so your sniffing a lot and your body kinda shakes as you let it out and breathe. So then it was apparent that I was crying. I was asked why I was crying several times and I didn’t answer. I said “nothing.” “What’s wrong?” a few more times. Finally I said “I don’t feel good.” That answer wasn’t good enough and I was left to sleep alone. So what do I do? Cry even harder because my truthful answer wasn’t enough. I felt worthless. Unlovable. Loser status. By saying “I don’t feel good” doesn’t always mean my belly hurts or my head. It can mean that I literally don’t feel good. I mentally do not feel good. My heart hearts. I am sad. I am mad. I don’t know why. I just don’t. I tried to sleep with my sweet sweet baby, but his bed is just too small for the two of us and I didn’t want to wake him because I was tossing and turning, flopping him all over his twin size bed. Besides, he already gets me more than he should. Poor kid. If I cry in front of him, he will immediately start to cry and hold me and tell me everything is okay and hug me tight. He’s been that way for as long as I can remember. I guess that’s what I was searching for, but it wasn’t fair of me to try and put a four-year-old in that position. I didn’t want to be alone. I just wanted someone to hug me tight. You don’t have to tell me that it’s going to be okay because I know “this too shall pass.” I’ll get through it. I always do.

I can totally understand that “I don’t know” is an extremely annoying answer. I get it. I don’t like to be told that. I genuinely what to know what is wrong when I ask someone. I need to take my own advice sometimes when I say that “I don’t know” is sometimes a good enough answer. In a situation where the person (me, in this case) is so sad for whatever unknown reason, we don’t want to be alone, even if it seems like we do. Please don’t leave us alone. For some people, that just proves that all people do when times get tough is leave. It’s nice to know that someone truly cares and can accept your “I don’t know” and love you through it instead of being frustrated.


Almost three years ago, I walked away from everything I had ever known. I needed a blank slate. I needed to start over. I wanted to be happy. My son did not deserve to have an unhappy family. It was hands down THE hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t know how I was going to do it on my own. I just knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. It wasn’t a healthy lifestyle for any of us. A while after I had left, I received this picture with the words “I wish I would have realized this sooner. I wish I would have believed you when you said I don’t know. I wish I would have understood then what I do now.” I think I replied with “me too.” By that time, it was too late. My wounds had finally started to heal. I had to find this picture again and share it because there is so much truth to it. Here’s a few more that I’ve found that are good..


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Please know that it takes courage to write these kind of things and I have been fighting with myself on whether or not I should really post this. A million thoughts rush through my mind. It isn’t my intention at all to hurt anyone’s feelings or to make anyone mad. I am not looking for sympathy in any shape or form. I am just writing this so you can possibly get a glimpse inside of what goes on in my mind.

Other good reads on this subject:
13 Things To Remember When You Love A Person Who Has Depression
20 Things to Remember If You Love A Person With Depression
When Someone You Love Has Depression



September 1 – Goals

Hello bloggy land. It’s been a {LONG} while since I’ve been here.. And I’ve missed it. I miss writing. Soooo much has changed in the last year… I’ve been wanting to blog for a while now, but didn’t know where to start. The other day I was browsing Pinterest {naturally}, and I came across this calendar for blogging. So I thought, “What the hell? I’ll give it a shot!” So here goes..

Blog ideas for every day in September.

September 1 – My Goals

I only have a million and two of them. My number one goal right now {besides being the best mother I possibly can be} is to buy a house. I seriously cannot get my mind off of it. And if you know me, you know that I am stubborn as hell and when I want something, I don’t stop until I get it. “My way or no way” kinda thing. I am going in to the bank tomorrow to see if I even qualify for anything. Also, my dad and I are going to look at a house I’ve been eyeing. It’s older and needs some work, but it’s for a really good price. I’m hoping it’s not too good to be true. There are a couple others besides this one that I have been looking at, but I am not sure if they are outside of my price range or not, since I don’t know if I qualify for anything. I’m nervous but excited. I want to be in my own place so bad. I want to get sweet boy a dog and I just want my own space.

My next goal is to get my bachelor’s in Psychology. I decided on Thursday that I can going back to school in January to pursue my dream of becoming a counselor and that starts with getting my degree. Here’s to an even busier life. Not quite sure how I am going to juggle everything.

Another goal I have is to pay off some debt. I need to be better with my money and not get suckered in to every stores credit card. Even though they have such good incentives! Ugh. The struggle is real. I need to only use them to get the discount and then pay it off right then, while I’m still in the store.

One more current goal I have right now is to lose some weight. To get back down to my “normal” size. I’ve gained about 20 pounds since March and it’s so upsetting to me! I have no idea why. I wasn’t doing anything different. It seemed like one day I just woke up and gained half a person. I’ve had to break out all my old pants from high school – which barely fit. This is the biggest I’ve ever been. I’m thinking it has something to do with my thyroids. I really need to get some blood work done, but we have been waiting for our new insurance to kick in. Now, I’ve been watching what I eat. Drinking only water. Walking at least three miles every night. I’m not seeing a lot of progress, but I am doing what I can. Trying to let the weight just take care of itself.

Those are just a few of my short-term goals I have for myself right now. Here’s to being able to accomplish them!


120 Questions

As I was browsing Pinterest the other day, I came across this picture.


I “liked” the pin and went on about my business {aka scrolling endlessly through more pins}. Then just last night I went back to visit on some of the pins I liked. {I am on this kick about liking things first, then clicking over and reading the article to make sure it’s a good one before I actually pin it. Since doing this, I have been able to eliminate some things because it just wasn’t good or the link didn’t work. ): So you can thank me now.} Anyway, I thought it was a good list and I wanted to participate. It will be fun to look back and read my answers.

1: Who did you last say “I love you” to? Karsyn
2: Do you regret it? Never
3: Have you ever been depressed? Definitely.
4: Do you like dinosaurs? Haha, funny that you would ask!
5: Are you insecure? Sometimes
6: What is your relationship status? In
7: How do you want to die? Peacefully
8: What did you last eat? Cookie Dough
9: Have you played any sports? Yes. Basketball, soccer, softball. Attempted Tennis. Ha.
10: Do you have an attitude? You bet.
11: Do you like someone? Uh huh
12: What is your real name? Jourdan
13: Have you ever read a book? No way! What kind of question is that?
14: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Don’t think so..
15: Do you miss someone? Yes ma’am.
16: Twirl or cut your spaghetti? Twirl!
17: Do you tan a lot? over the summer? Like in a bed? Yes. I try to tan from the sun, as well.
18: Have any pets? Yeah, a fish named Lucille. She’s a red beta fish. Currently living at Kade’s moms. And a turtle named Cleon Patrick. Currently living at my moms.
19: How exactly are you feeling? Umm. Lots of mixed emotions.
20: Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? Duh
21: Good driver? Yes.
22: Are you scared of spiders? A little
23: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yep.
24: Do you regret anything from your past? Maybe
25: What are your plans for this weekend? Going to Kade’s brothers wedding.
26: Do you want to have kids? I have the best one. I would love to have at least one more.
27: Do you type fast? Yes
28: Do you have piercings? Yes, 5.
29: Want anymore? Kinda!
30: Can you spell well? Yep.
31: Do you miss anyone from your past? YES!
32: What are you craving right now? Watermelon
33: Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes.
34: Ever had a silly band? Yeah!
35: Have you ever been on a horse? Yes. Hate them.
36: Have you ever broken someones heart? Unfortunately.
37: Have you ever been cheated on? I believe so.
38: Are you thinking of someone right now? Lots
39: Would you live with someone without marrying them? Currently.
40: What should you be doing? Sleeping
41: Whats irritating you right now? Lots of things
42: Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? Oh yeah!
43: Does somebody love you? Yes.
44: What is your favorite color? Yellow. Pink. Orange. I’ve been crushing on blue a lot lately, too.
45: Have you ever changed clothes in a car? Yep!
46: Milk chocolate or white chocolate? WHITE!!
47: Do you have trust issues? You bet.
48: Best friends name? Kourtney {aka Kim Possible}
49: 2nd best friends name? Karsyn
50: 3rd best friends name? Mindy
51: Who was the last person you cried in front of? Karsyn
52: Do you give out second chances too easily? Unfortunately
53: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Neither
54: What was your childhood nickname? I had so many! From my dad it was “punkin and angel”
55: Favorite food? I love me a good burger.
60: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?? ABSOLUTELY!
61: Did you have dream last night? Yes
62: Have you ever been out of state? Yep!
63: Do you play the wii? I have
64: Are you listening to music right now? Just turned it off.
65: Do you like chinese food? Only like 2 things.
66: Who are you texting right now? No one.
67: Are you afraid of the dark? More of what’s IN the dark.
68: Is cheating ever okay? Never.
69: Are you mean? I can be.
70: Can you keep white shoes clean? Usually
71: What year has been your best? Hmm.. I don’t really know. Maybe like 2005 – 7th grade-ish
72: Do you believe in true love? Yes
73: Favorite weather? When summer fades to fall.. Hey, that’s a song!
74: Do you like the snow? For a minute. I love to go sledding.
75: Does it snow a lot where you live? Yes.
76: Do you like the outside? Yeah.
77: Do you wanna get married? Yep.
78: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? To an extent.
79: Are you hungry? A little
80: What makes you happy? Karsyn
81: Would you change your name? No.
82: Ever been to Alaska? No
83: Ever been to Hawaii? No
84: Do you watch the news? Sometimes
85: What’s your zodiac sign? Scorpio
86: Do you like subway? Like the sandwich place? Oh yeah!
87: Do you talk like your friends? Yeah?
88: Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? Yep
89: Do you have a friend of the opposite gender who you can act your complete self around? Yes
100: Who was the last person of the opposite gender you talked to? Karsyn
101: Do you feel good? Not really
102: Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Kourtney
103: Can you count to one million? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
104: Are your finger nails painted at the moment? Chipped. Dang.
105: Favorite number? 3
106: If you could pick two people your own age or younger to be stuck on a stranded island with, who would it be? Kourtney and Karsyn
107: Are you a hunter? I have hunted. My dad is an avid hunter. But I’m not in love with it.
108: Tall or short? Tall
109: Favorite subject in school? I love English!
110: What 5 people do you trust the most? My mom, Kourtney, Karsyn, Jesika, my dad
111: Who do you think has amazing hair? My cousin Autumn
112: Parents divorced? Yep
113: What city do you live in? Vernal
114: Where were you born? Salt Lake
115: Recliner or couch? Rocking recliner
116: What two people do you miss talking to? Kourtney and Meagan
117: Who will you be with this weekend? All of Kade’s family
118: City or country? Country
119: Water or soda? Soda
120: Was this a waste of my time? No!

{Side note: I promise I DO know how to count. As I was going through and making the questions bold, I realized that there was no 56-59, 90-99? Don’t know what happened to them. They are not on the original source either.}

So technically, this was not 120 questions. Sorry to disappoint. If you can think of some more questions, PLEASE tell me! I would love to add them to the list to make it actually 120.



Dinosaur Museum

Remember how I told you this town is filled with dinos? Well, the other day we went to the dinosaur museum.

Karsyn had a blast! It was actually pretty interesting to see it all. I thought it was going to be sorta lame, but I was really impressed. They just built this not too long ago and it’s really nice – inside and out. When we first got there, we watched a video of some people digging for dinosaur bones around our area. Those bones are actually displayed in the museum. I didn’t take any pictures of those, but there was a TOOOON!

Now, for your viewing pleasure… (:


These replicas were made life-size of how big they really were. It was quite an eye opener.


I could not get over how big this mammoth was! I kept picturing it being alive. What would you do if this massive, 14-foot mammoth just started charging at you? Crap your pants, that’s what!561899_10201692189564399_452859237_n

The things sticking out of the top of their back were actually bones. There was a replica inside that wasn’t a full body thing like this, just the skeleton. It was neat to look at.

935872_10201692187644351_1758991014_n 1001939_10201692190484422_1501766681_n

Aw, my little lover. Looove that boy.


This was before we went outside. There was a plaque by each dinosaur that told you about the animal. Did you know that men used to actually HUNT these animals? That’s just nuts. Refer to the picture above, with Karsyn and I!

1005245_10201692191484447_1758095217_nAnd this. This bad boy weighed in at 10-12 TONS. That’s 24,000 pounds! HOLY. MOSES. It was about 90 freaking feet long, too.

1184800_10201692465211290_925141812_nImagine getting whipped by that long tail! OUCH!

Do you find dinosaurs amusing or lame?





Life in Vernal

I am super homesick.

I don’t mind moving, but I HATE being 4 hours away. I can’t just drive down and back in a day. Well, I could, but that would be 8 hours in the car. So only a couple hours with family. Plus, that’s not fun for me or Karsyn to sit in the car all day.

I especially hate not knowing when I am going to see my family again. ): We literally have no one here. I know a few people that live here, but no one that I am close to. Kade’s best friend lives up here and works with Kade – he helped Kade get the job, so I am thankful for him and all of his help. But I wish I had someone close!

I guess it’s time to step CLEAR out of my comfort zone and make some new friends. But I can already tell that it is going to be a difficult feat because the people here are MEEEEEEAAAAAN! Holy shiz! I am blown away at how UNfriendly people are. I am so used to the small town people that are kind. The ones that hold the door open for you. The ones that actually smile and say hi at you as you pass them in the aisle. I am NOT used to the ones that give you the death glare when you say “excuse me” because THEY are blocking the aisle so you can’t pass by. I’m NOT used to smiling and saying hi and them just looking at me like I’m nuts. I’m NOT used to not seeing a familiar face anywhere I go… ):

Another thing that sucks is that I am farther away from “up north” aka Salt Lake/Provo area than I was before. That’s going to be hard to just do a day trip there, as well.

On the bright side:

*I am super thankful for the benefits that Kade’s job provides. I am thankful for a “fresh” start. I am excited to explore this new town and areas all around. We are only about 50 miles away from Flaming Gorge. We went there on the 24th and took a tour of the dam. That was pretty cool. I have a feeling we’ll go there often. Fun fact: there are 21,000 fish PER MILE there! We learned that on the tour. Kade loves to fish, hence the reason why I think we’ll be there often.

1069143_10201506864171380_1610557692_n{No, we are not using ourselves as human bait. But we did get to feed the fish. We’d throw in like 4 pebbles, and I’m not kidding, like 20 fish would jump!}

*Vernal is FULL of dinosaurs. Serious. Google it. There’s even dinos on the street signs. They are everywhere. We have a HUUUUGE dinosaur museum. Haven’t been yet, but really looking forward to going. They just built a new building not too long ago and it’s WAY nice on the outside, so I can only imagine what it’s like inside.


*We have a Sonic. And yes, I may or may not go every night after 8 to get a half priced shake!



*The mountains up here are gorgeous.

*Our home is really nice and we got a great deal on it, compared to some of the places we looked at.

*My new Jourdan’s Jewels room is about twice the size as it was before, which is fantastic, but guess what? I’ve got too much stuff and it’s already FUUULL!! I need a warehouse!


{This was the view from the top of the doorway, looking in.}540273_491667264259376_395396662_n

{This was the view from the front of the doorway. I couldn’t even get in! I literally had to climb over all of that.}


{And this was from the back corner, once I was in. It doesn’t look like this anymore, thankfully, but it is still pretty crammed!!}

If you’ve been up this away, what have you done for fun?


Tips for Traveling with a Toddler

{These tips I’m sharing are for those you are travelling with a small child on a plane. They are things I learned and experienced.}

Tips for Traveling

I’ve only travelled once with Karsyn {21 months}, but it was by myself and I learned a lot! We went to Oklahoma! I was SO nervous to travel with him because I didn’t know how he would act and I really had no idea of what to expect, so I am writing this in hopes that it will help another nervous traveller not be so nervous!

Booking your flight:

Try MULTIPLE search engines to find the best price. Try to book a few weeks ahead of time, if possible, so that you can browse for a couple of days to find the best price. They literally change overnight.

When booking your flight, make sure you read the fine print! I know it’s something that we all just skip over and click “accept”, but you should really read it when it comes to something as important as this. Usually, children under the age of 2 can fly for free or a small cost by sitting in your lap. If they are over 2, then they have to have their own seat. When we went, it was an additional $25 for him to sit on my lap, but that was 100% fine with me because I was not about ready to fork over another $341 for another plane ticket.

After you book your flight, you will get emails about your booking. If you have ANY questions, even if you think they are dumb, call the airline and they can help you. Even if you’ve read it over and over online, give them a call. They know the correct answer. No question is too dumb when you’re travelling.

Prepping for your flight:

The best thing that I read and did was to buy a couple new toys that your child has never seen/played with before. That will keep their attention for longer than a toy they’ve already played with because it’s something new and they will want to know all about it. But remember, NO NOISY TOYS! Other people on the plane don’t appreciate that so much.



Above is a picture of the “toys” I packed, minus Mr. Potato Head {which he LOVED} and a pack of CAT Tractors. I had those stashed in the closet from his first birthday. He’d never seen them or played with them, so they were perfect! The Color Wonder thing was awesome. I think I enjoyed it more than he did. The markers that come with it ONLY color on the special paper it comes with {$9.97}. The Squiggles and Doodles book was from the $1 spot at Walmart, as well as both packs of flash cards {$1 each}, and the sticker book, which was really fun. He liked to put the stickers in the book. The two hardback books were from the Dollar Tree {$1 each}. The little blue car was from the $3 spot at Walmart. And the crayons were like $2 or $3 at Walmart. The coolest part? They are triangular, so they don’t roll! SO awesome.

Get a variety of treats that your child likes. Lots of finger foods. We got all sorts of treats. And if you have rules about eating too much junk or whatever, now is the time to throw them out the window. You can get back on track once you’re off the plane, but you’re not on the plane every day, so don’t worry about slacking on the rules once.



The above photo shows all the snack I packed. Yes, I realize it was a TON, but I didn’t have to buy treats or snacks the whole time we were out there, which was 2 weeks. So it’s up to you on how much you pack.


Here they are all packed in our carry-on bag! I poured them all in, instead of taking the boxes to save room and weight. {Bag is from Jourdan’s Jewels.}

Bring headphones that your child can wear. Usually, the plane will have a movie going, but you can’t ever hear it unless you put headphones on. Granted, the movies they play are not always kid friendly, but just in case. They sometimes have earphones that you can use, but you have to give them back at the end, so that’s pretty gross. You don’t know who used those before.

If you bring your laptop/Kindle/iPad, make sure you have a movie or show downloaded. Don’t expect to get the internet on the plane because it SUCKS. You are lucky if you can even get it to connect.

Have a game plan for your layover, if you have one. We had a layover in Dallas for 40 minutes. I barely made it from one plane to the next on time. Not because I was dinking off, but because that’s how long it took to get off of the first plane, through the gate, on the train, and to the next gate, then on the second plane. Yes, it was super scary and I was thanking my lucky stars that I made it! 40 minutes seems like a long time, but it goes by quick. If you have a layover, period, GET TO YOUR CONNECTING GATE FIRST! Then go look around, go to the bathroom, get a drink/food, if you have time. It’s not worth missing your flight. Plus, they have bathrooms, food/drink, etc. on the plane.

A drink for your child.. I brought a sippy cup and made sure to empty it before we went through security just because I didn’t want to get stopped for anything. We were able to get straight through and then I could fill it back up after we were through security. On the way home, I forgot to empty it, so we got checked. Only water was in it, but I had to get all my stuff and step aside. Then they had to test the cup to see what was in there.

Buy/borrow a backpack with a leash. I’m not kidding. This is not abuse. It’s not mean. It seriously could save your child. I had no doubts in my mind about it. Karsyn is a very active child and doesn’t like to sit still if he knows he can move around, so while we were waiting for our flight, I would put the backpack on and let him play on the ground with his cars. He could only push them as far as the leash went out. I can’t tell you how many people told me that was a great idea. And anymore, it is! This world is scary and you never know what could happen. It’s better to be safe than sorry. And seriously, don’t worry about what other people think. It’s your child and you can do what you want. No one else has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do with your own kid.



{This is the one I got for Karsyn. He loved it. He didn’t want me to take it off. I got it at Walmart for $10. You can buy it here.}

Don’t forget your child’s comfort items, if any. Karsyn doesn’t carry around a specific blanket or toy all the time, but if your kid does, DO NOT FORGET IT! That could be a disaster.

Other tips:

It may help {depending on the time of your flight}, to not let your child have a nap so that he/she will sleep on the plane. We departed from Vegas at 6 AM, so Karsyn was still pretty tired. Once we were in the air, he fell asleep. When we left Oklahoma, our flight wasn’t until 7:08 PM and we’d been driving all day, so it was hard to not let him fall asleep in the car, but it was worth it when he fell asleep in the air. I’m sure other people in the airport didn’t appreciate my crying child, but frankly, I didn’t give a rats ass. Try to avoid eye contact at this point, haha. Just let the kid throw a fit and get it all out before you get on the plane.

Lastly, take a deep breath and relax. Really. It’s not going to be as bad as you think. I was literally shaking nervous, but once it was done and over with, I thought “Really? I was worked up over that?”

If you’ve already traveled with a toddler, what did you learn??




At the end of June, Karsyn and I went to Oklahoma to visit my mom’s grandparents. It was a blast! Here are some pictures from our trip!

June 25: We left that afternoon, about 5 and drove to Vegas. We stayed with my dad’s sister that night.

June 26: Woke up at 3:30 AM to be at the airport by 4 AM. Boarded the plane about 6 AM.


Luckily, we got the window seat. Unfortunately, we had to sit by a guy that had REALLY stinky breath and slept with his mouth open the whole way. It was about 2.5 hours. We had a layover in Dallas. I was so scared that I wouldn’t make it to my connecting flight because it was the first time I had travelled “alone” before, plus the first time with my child. I barely made it to the train that took me to the correct gate. Right as we got on the train, the doors closed. From Dallas, it was only a 30 minute flight. Once we landed, my grandma came in and found us! Karsyn was NOT happy to see them. He SCREAMED and cried. Poor guy. Must’ve thought they were going to take him without me. #mommasboyalert. We went to eat at Cheddar’s. Holy smokes. That place is amazing! Then we drove to their house, which is about 1.5 hours away from the airport.

June 27: We went to lunch and just hung out.


June 28: Went to lunch in Carrie Underwood’s hometown! Karsyn helped grandma sweep the front porch, then we helped Papa spray weeds, then went for a ride in the gator {which my grandma WON a couple years back!}.




July 3: Went shopping in Muskogee!

1003691_10201367935298245_298577923_nScored me some awesome patriotic BOBS for only $20 at The Shoe Department.

July 4: Hung out with the family and lit fireworks. Karsyn had a blast. He just HAD to be RIGHTTHERE when Hunter was lighting the fireworks. #pyro


After we lit a few small ones, we went up above the lake and watched the town’s fireworks. Then came home and lit more, including one titled “Redneck Blaster” which was a rather large firework that tipped over while shooting and landed within INCHES of my foot.

July 5: Lit the leftover sparklers.


July 6: Went to Eufaula Lake and had ourselves a grand ol’ time!


July 8: My grandma’s dad passed, so while she had to leave to help her brother figure out the funeral arrangements. We stayed and helped Papa water flowers and check the mail.


That night, when grandma came back, we went out to dinner at a place on the lake. After we were done, we fed the ducks.



July 9: Last night in OK. Karsyn was finally getting used to grandma and Papa. Him and grandma went on a walk around the yard and found some locus shells.


July 10: Wasting some time before we had to be at the airport.


I am so thankful for the 2 weeks that we got to spend out there with our awesome grandparents. It’s a trip I won’t forget. Unfortunately, I know Karsyn won’t remember it, except for the pictures, so it’s a good thing I took a lot. I am so blessed to have such a great family.

Have you been to Oklahoma before? What did you do for fun?



I’m Back!

Holy cow!

SOOO much has changed and gone on since I last posted.

Let’s start from the beginning.

I went to counseling, as you may have read in my last post. I went a few times and it was awesome. I am go glad I did!!

I went to Oklahoma for a vacation/get away. Just Karsyn and I! We stayed with my moms grandparents for two weeks. It was a lot of fun. I will share some pix in another post, as well as traveling with a toddler tips!

While I was gone, I found out that Kade got a new job. In Vernal. Which is 4 hours away from where we lived.

When I got back, we had 1 day to get everything packed, cleaned and out of our apartment. Well, Kade had been packing while I was gone, but I didn’t get back until the 11th and we had to be out of there by the 12th.

That weekend we went to Brian Head for a family reunion with Kade’s family. We stayed at a super amazing cabin. It was HUUUGE! It had 3 floors and 2 game rooms!

1069820_10201429746443485_1570836245_n{Karsyn loved playing PacMan}

The following Monday, we went to Vernal to look for a place to live. Found one {the last one we looked at!}, had to go back home because she said the application process would take a few DAYS, rather than minutes/hour like the other ladies had said.

Got the call on Tuesday night that we were accepted, so we left Wednesday morning and have been here in Vernal since.

Kade started his new job on the 22nd. It is a great job. He is working inside now, which is a HUGE change for him. He has to wear a uniform. Another HUGE change. He has an office. Yep, you guessed it, HUGE change! He works on the computer a lot of the time. Uh huh, HUGE change. Overall, he likes it and it is a great job. A raise and full benefits are super nice, too! (;

Fast forward to this past weekend – My mom came up and dropped one of my brothers and sister off. They stayed until yesterday. It was so nice to have them here and I am really sad that they are gone.

Other things that have changed include my whole blogger “office”, like as I’m writing this I’m noticing all sorts of changes. Posh came out with 42 NEW products!!

I think that’s all?

I’ll be back tomorrow!