Emotions – or Lack Of

It’s been a while since I’ve posted and I tell myself every day that I need to blog and do better, blah, blah, blah. I really do. It’s therapeutic for me to write. Some things have been weighing heavy on my heart lately. I’m in a bit of a funk, I guess you could say. Since I’ve written my suicide story, I’ve had so many people tell me how courageous and brave it was of me to post that. I am truly thankful that I have been getting so much support from it because you have no idea how scared I was to hit Publish.

But I need to be honest here. In that post, I told you that I have depression. I hate saying that. Not because it’s embarrassing, because I know I am not alone, but just because I am so stubborn. I hate to think that anything is “wrong” with me. I know it’s fairly common, but like I said, I am just stubborn. When I was first “diagnosed”, I was put on pills. That lasted for about a week-and-a-half because I was too stubborn to take them. “I don’t need some stupid pills to make me feel better.” I couldn’t tell a difference, but my mom said she could. But what did she know? She’s not inside of my head. Let’s face it. When you have depression, it’s hard to explain how you are feeling. Especially to someone that doesn’t know what it’s like to have depression. It’s like you’re on a roller coaster constantly. Now, people say “why can’t you just wake up in the morning with a good attitude?” or “It’s all in your head. If you choose to be happy, then you will be.” To an extent, I agree. But as I said before, if you don’t have it, then you don’t know what it’s like. You only know what people tell you, but it’s seriously not that easy.

Lately, I have been feeling two emotions – sadness and anger. No happiness, no joy, no good feelings. I get mad super easily and I get sad real quick. It’s not hard for me to drag my ass out of bed, like it used to be, because I have Karsyn’s smiling face to wake up to everyday and he says “Hiiiiiii momma!” and gives me a big hug. If that doesn’t make a person feel good, then I don’t know what does. But it the good feeling goes away quickly. I get up with him, get him something to eat, then sit down and I just can’t get up. I find myself getting mad at him constantly, for stupid things. But I cannot get up to go help him or show him how to do things, etc. because I am just too sad. Epic mom fail right there. I know I am a good mom and those that know me know that as well, but when I realize what I have done, I just break down and cry and beat myself up over it. I tell myself to do better, that he’s only a kid and he doesn’t know. But it’s hard. And raising a kid in itself isn’t as easy feat. Now, I hate to sound like I’m using my depression as a crutch or an excuse, I’m just being honest. Anyway, with Kade, I haven’t felt any emotion towards him. I get annoyed of him super quick. I don’t want him to touch me or kiss me or hug me or really even look at me. Is that the way a relationship should be? Hell. No. It hurts to feel this way, but I just can’t seem to pull myself out of it. I know I’m hurting Kade. He tells me so and I can see it in his eyes. I’m not always like this, but I have been for a little while and like I just said. I just can’t seem to pull myself out. I made myself an appointment with a therapist for Wednesday and I am super excited to go. I know it sounds silly, but not only do I NEED the help, but I WANT the help! I HATE feeling like this. I am not being myself and I just can’t figure out how to be happy again. Karsyn makes me happy and I would do anything for that kid, but it’s hard to stay upbeat all the time, when deep down and I am just sick and achy.

I am thankful that I have a supportive family that will stand behind me no matter what and will not judge me or think any less of me. They are so good to me. It’s funny how as you grow up, you appreciate your family. I can remember a time when I wanted absolutely nothing to do with my parents. But now, they are basically all I have. Family really is everything and I feel so sorry for those that don’t feel the same or that don’t have a great family like mine.

In my writing of this, I am asking you to please not judge me or think less of me. If that’s what you are doing, feel free to leave. But I want and need to share my stories because not only does it help me, but it helps others know that they are not alone and it helps them get through hard times. So please, if you are feeling bad, reach out to someone. Even me. I’m more than willing to help you and talk to you in any way I can. I always wanted to be a counselor when I grew up. There is nothing that I like more than to help someone.

In closing, listen to this song. I’ve had it on repeat for the last three days lol. {And in case you’re wondering, yes, I know every. single. word.}

P.S. A quick little note, the other day, a fellow boutique owner took her life. She has a couple little ones at home, under the age of 5. It pains me to see such good people down in the dumps and with unhealthy minds. There is help out there. I can’t say it enough. PLEEEEEEEASE reach out to someone.

What do you do to feel better? I need some advice and new things to try!

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One thought on “Emotions – or Lack Of

  1. Pingback: Inspiring Quotes | Two Million Miles

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